Heart at Risk

I’ve been a fan of Mike Doughty for awhile now. All the way back to Soul Coughing days.  I love to see him live at any opportunity, he puts on a really great performance.  I even have 2 signed CDs and met him in person (star struck eyed and all).  Today I was listening to Busking on the ride in and 40 Grand in the Hole was on.  This verse struck me so much that I rewound it 5 or 6 times to listen again:

When will I hear the click?

When will I know that it is time to split?

What is the use of it?

What is my life without the heart at risk?

It really was that last line. Putting my heart at risk. As those very close to me will tell you, I don’t do that. There is a wall that very, very few people get through. My dear husband included…

I have a history of being too trusting and having it come back to bite me. Or have people leave me because they don’t agree with my decisions. Those are people that probably shouldn’t be in my life anyway. I need to succeed or fail on my own. I should be able to ask my friends to support me either way. Everything is a learning opportunity.

Recently I’ve been talking about that in therapy. What am I protecting by not being totally honest with those I hold so dear? Sure, there are the obvious ones like judgment, rejection, or hits to my self-worth. It takes a lot to shock me or send me sideways when someone opens up to me, so why do I allow myself to live by different rules? ugh! (I can hear my therapist’s voice in my head right now….)

I’ve been experimenting in the last few months. Sharing a bit more with those that are closer to the wall. No one has stoned me yet. Although I still fear the reaction.

Baby steps I suppose…

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Lilith 2010

Saturday I went to the Gorge Amphitheater for Lilith 2010.  It’s been 11 years since I was there, back in 99 for the last Lilith Fair tour.  It is truly beautiful there, and the music, a near religious experience.  I went with 3 girlfriends, all perfect.  Norman has taken to calling us the Momfia.  Watch out – it’s the English Hill Momfia, do not cross us!  I always get sappy reflective after a really good concert. 

It was the first time I had really listened to Sugarland – I was quite impressed with them.  They were full of energy and really good entertainers.  Jennifer Nettles was cracking me up – such a sense of humor and positive energy.  I was also looking forward to seeing Erykah Badu again and she did not disappoint.  Neither did Sheryl Crow.  Colbie Caillat was also good, her comment about being 11 at Lilith in the 90s and being inspired to become a singer/songwriter was touching – but OMG that made me feel old!  And then there is Sarah  McLachlan.  Holy cow that woman’s songs hit me in places.  Many have helped me over the years work through some tough stuff.  Particularly Angel as my “theme” song at a personal development course.  Chokes me up to this day when I hear it.

Norman had sent me a link on EW.com about some concerns, slip-ups and bad press around Lilith.  Some of it around trying to have the acts to draw crowds.  If the focus is women in music, does it really matter that Kelly Clarkson, Erykah Badu, Rihanna and Sarah  McLachlan could all share the same stage?!  My gawd people walk around if you don’t like the artist.  You cannot please all the people all the time, particularly at a venue and event like this.  All those times I went to Lollapalooza (before it was a destination event) I didn’t like everyone.  When I went to Lilith in the 90s I didn’t like everyone.  What I have found every time, is a new artist I would not have known before.  Tara McLean, Dayna Manning, Heather Nova, Bic Runga, Holly McNarland and Rebekah – never would have known them or discovered them as soon as I did without the exposure.  Now – Sugarland. 

Please leave your attitude and pessimism at the door.

Let’s try to take the message to heart – that Sarah reiterated again during the show – Lilith is about community and celebration.  So put on some music and get your brain and body moving!