mother, feminist, friend, obsessive, obsessive, obsessive…

Holy shit this thing hasn’t been updated in FOUR YEARS! Dear goddess so much has changed…if you are interested, read on!

I’ve tried this ‘blog thing” numerous times in my last 10 years of owning my own PC.  I often guilt out by saying that I’m not a writer.  Well who the hell needs to be a writer? I just need to get those thoughts out of my head and onto some other medium. In fact, my most frequent posts are usually some rant about some topic that burns me up.  Some lower level like I just want to talk to the wall, some at a level where I want to slap people silly (stupid?) and try to knock my sense into them. And starting in 2013, I want to write more to figure out my own shit. Which you may or may not be privy to!

My facebook, twitter and zune card Xbox Music profile all state some variation of “I’m a mother, wife, feminist, friend, foodie, OCD, math geek, etc”.  So let me dissect that (such an analyzer!)

·         Mother – my daughter is 9, in the 4th grade and on the cusp of tween-hood. Or maybe she is there, she probably is and I’m just in denial. I worry about the peer pressure thing more than I ever would have imagined for a 4th grader. It really does start earlier than when we were kids! When A came home in Kindergarten and started talking Princess! Princess! Princess! – my feminist insides hurled all over my heart.  How could I raise a strong, independent woman that gets tied up in the likes of fairy tales?  When I was pregnant, I was so fearful of having a jock.  I don’t know much about sports, and thinking of sitting in rainy, cold fields cheering a soccer game was a bit much for me.  On the flip side of that, I never imagined I would have a girly-girl. And here I sit, my child in the other room with sparkling Hello Kit-tee all over, My Little Pony, frilly, sparkly dress-up, Princess Stories and knowledge of every lyric in HSM watching my daughter primp in front of the mirror, spend more and more time on her hair in the morning and hours doing her nails at night. She wants to shop at Claire’s and Fuego and really has little to no interest in toy stores any longer. When faced with my feminist hurl, I realized that I just needed to let her be.  By trying to force her into what she isn’t would likely create some worse topics for therapy than the path she’ll pursue with a psychologist if I let her make her own choices.  There are limits, the Little Mermaid Disney movie has been banned from my house Giving up who you are for a man is not a good message. And yes, I have had to have the conversation and explain to A why she can’t watch the movie. I think she gets it, maybe a bit confused but she hasn’t pushed too hard on that boundary. we don’t shop at particular stores because the clothes are sexy and inappropriate for a NINE year old In short, I am a mother, and am proud of my girly-girl that loves running and math and sparkly, pretty things. True in Kindergarten, true in 4th grade!

·         Wife – always second to my child.  There was a time in my life that I thought I would never get married, let alone have a kid.  And here I am 12 8 years upon meeting Norman and 10 ½ 6 ½ years into marriage.  It has not been easy.  It has also been a whole lot of fun. I’m still in a space of defining my independent self in the face of my husband and child.  I’m an introvert.  I’m painfully independent.  Living with two people puts a strain on my comfort zone.  I still would like be single a few days a month, much like Norman and I talked about four years ago.  What I crave is to have a weekend, fairly regularly.  About 6 2 years ago I started my “single girl weekends”, to an infrequent rhythm.  I’m itching to have my next one.  I think it’s why the single fairy is rearing its head.  Every time I have gone away, I have realized somewhere in the timeline that I don’t want to be single all the time.  I want to be with my family.  I just know I need a regular break from them.  Norman knows this about me and isn’t threatened or worried. I think that is the sign of a fucking awesome spouse!

·         Feminist – there is so much energy and assumption around this word, phrase, label.  I have a minor in Women’s Studies.  I took a Women’s Psychology class when I was a sophomore in college that opened my eyes.  I hadn’t planned on that minor – I actually was going to do French.  That teacher, that course material, I connected feelings and passions I had always pursued in my life to this theory of feminism.  I read many books.  I read the militant type and didn’t really fit in that path.  I read the more “lipstick feminist” styles like Naomi Wolf, Bitch and Bust magazine (still read Bust cover to cover to this day),  many books and autobiographies of those overcoming eating disorders and fighting for women’s rights.  Then I saw the bumper sticker – Feminism is the radical notion that women are people too!  YES!  That is the 3-second summary of how I feel.  Don’t ever tell me I can’t do something, achieve anything or make decisions because I have girly parts.  And don’t ever push me up against a wall on any topic like that; I will get all Jersey on your ass!

·        Friend – I have friends.  Close ones that know my deep, inner secrets.  Arms-length ones that know me and we have fun, but a wall does exist.  I try to be a good friend.  Sometimes I go overboard in a very codependent way.  Sometimes I don’t go far enough, or hold back the truth, and these friendships just end up drifting apart.  I’m not good about asking for help.  I’m pretty good at complaining.  I’d like to think I’m good about talking on subjects that don’t include my child, husband or job.  I’m working on all those areas.

·         Foodie – I’ve had an eating disorder for all of my memorable life.  There is a lot of my childhood I don’t quite remember.  I do remember being fat.  I remember being ridiculed, picked on and ignored.  I remember sitting alone at my kitchen table with a ½ gallon of peanut butter ice cream eating the ribbons of peanut butter out of the container feeling so alone.  I remember baking “for my dad who love cookies” after school, still alone, so I could eat about 2 dozen all by myself.  I remember being tired of being fat and longing to be thin and pretty and accepted.  I remember likening me getting over the over-eating part in college when I wanted to do it for me.  Not because my parents or doctor’s insisted I do it to save my health.  Fuck my health if you don’t love me as I am right now – that is the emotion I remember.  When college started, things started to change.  I had a crushing drive to get the best scores I could. I had it drilled into me that I needed to succeed in GPA to succeed in business.  Fuck – if I only knew then what I know now I would have partied a hell of a lot more!  After my sophomore year, there was a bit of a breakdown.  More anxiety attack than nervous breakdown – although that line is really thin.  I took a semester off.  I got healthy.  I started exercising, I started eating better.  I lost weight, like 25 pounds of weight.  I went back to school and everyone complimented me on how good I looked.  That healthy lifestyle lasted about 9 months.  Then I started throwing up.  I traded one eating disorder for another.  I spent the bulk of my last 3 years in school puking my food.  Upon graduation, I convinced myself if I moved away, if I removed myself from the state I grew up in and the people I knew best, I could get healthy.  I relocated to Seattle, WA.  I got a job.  I started therapy, things got better.
I still struggle with food and body image, but not like I used to.  I eat SO much healthier now than I ever have in my life.  I make smart decisions.  I work out with a trainer.  I have strong arms.  I have run 5-k’s, dirty obstacle courses and one half-marathon.  I love that my body is getting stronger as I get older. I am also realistic that there is a balance here too, working out is healthy, being obsessive or ruminating on my workouts is not. It’s still a daily conversation in my head. And I have found a love for food.  It’s not just nourishment any more.  I’ve gone to super fancy, high-end places and dined on exquisite meals and desserts.  Norman opened me up to this wonderful food, the experience of love and fulfillment I never had before. Point being – look how far I have come in my 42 38 years on this earth.  Knowing it will take 35 more to eradicate my issues totally, if I can actually extinguish them at all.

·         OCD – if you have been paying attention at all, you can totally see this.  ‘Nough said.

·         Geeky – I have a degree in math.  And damn proud of it.  I like watching SciFi, serial killer movies, mysteries (of the science-based types), I like music and theory and solving math equations.  I’m a geek – loud and proud!

So, on the more statistical side of me…

·         I live in the greater Seattle area, in a home I own, with a husband, a child and no pets.

·         I’m just turned 42 38 years old – and (still) not adapting to that very well.

·         I work for a big technology company in the Pacific NorthWest and I do not consider them to be the evil empire.  And no, I don’t like kool-aid either.

·         My career history had always been in employee benefits/HR.  I left those aisles of subject matter four years ago for Advertising.  Ultimately, I’m a project manager. I have my PMP and will geek out about business process decision and efficiencies. Seriously. I will.

·         I like many things…

o   Music…particularly live music…industrial music…alternative music…”girlie hormone” music (as Norman calls it)…rock music…americana…musicals and show tunes…

o   Baking…cookies…cakes…candy… tortes…brownies…don’t like pies…ice cream…experimenting…anything sweet

o   Reading…Bust magazine…feminist writers…fiction, more than non-fiction…blogs…mommy books…harry potter…children’s literature…sometimes horror…

o   Movies…the likes of Spanish Patient/Snatch/In Bruges…action…sci fi…chick flicks…pixar…

o   Alcohol…I love a good cocktail…traditional like a Manhattan, French 75 or G&T…I don’t do Cosmos…lately been on more of a beer kick than wine…

o   Guilty pleasures…Food Network…Pinterest…Etsy…baking…wasting time on the computer…reading…chick flicks

And so now – on to the good stuff…

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