Heart at Risk

I’ve been a fan of Mike Doughty for awhile now. All the way back to Soul Coughing days.  I love to see him live at any opportunity, he puts on a really great performance.  I even have 2 signed CDs and met him in person (star struck eyed and all).  Today I was listening to Busking on the ride in and 40 Grand in the Hole was on.  This verse struck me so much that I rewound it 5 or 6 times to listen again:

When will I hear the click?

When will I know that it is time to split?

What is the use of it?

What is my life without the heart at risk?

It really was that last line. Putting my heart at risk. As those very close to me will tell you, I don’t do that. There is a wall that very, very few people get through. My dear husband included…

I have a history of being too trusting and having it come back to bite me. Or have people leave me because they don’t agree with my decisions. Those are people that probably shouldn’t be in my life anyway. I need to succeed or fail on my own. I should be able to ask my friends to support me either way. Everything is a learning opportunity.

Recently I’ve been talking about that in therapy. What am I protecting by not being totally honest with those I hold so dear? Sure, there are the obvious ones like judgment, rejection, or hits to my self-worth. It takes a lot to shock me or send me sideways when someone opens up to me, so why do I allow myself to live by different rules? ugh! (I can hear my therapist’s voice in my head right now….)

I’ve been experimenting in the last few months. Sharing a bit more with those that are closer to the wall. No one has stoned me yet. Although I still fear the reaction.

Baby steps I suppose…

2 thoughts on “Heart at Risk

  1. Ah the similarities we share! I have this same issue and like you I cannot open myself up 100% to anyone – sadly not even my husband. I have worked through some useful exercises and am improving …. SLOWLY.

    Good luck on your journey and as always thanks for taking the risk to open yourself up and share your writing.

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