thursday in march

I turned my calendar over to March when I came in last week.  The quote this month is – Life does not put things in front of you that you are unable to handle (unknown).  It was one of those Damn It! moments.  The kind of message that needs to be said, more importantly heard.  Yet, the tired side that wants nothing more than to coast exclaims Damn It! 

So here I am.  Rather tired from some intense times at work that should die down by end-of-month.  I hope.  Norman is also having intense work time.  It seems to hit us both at the same time, so we are both stressed and cranky about work.  Routine COO duties on the homefront.  Including getting A into a summer program when school is out (score – program is less than a mile from my office!)  Two family visits.  Planning A’s 6th birthday party.

Then there’s me.  It’s no surprise that I let taking care of myself fall into last place.  Many many years ago (haha) when A was born my therapist recommended we each take a “night off” during the week to go do something we want – without family obligation.  I’ve been pretty good at sticking to that.  Then a year or so ago, same therapist told me I need to “recharge my batteries” regularly.  Like, every day.  Even little spurts like 15 mins alone with a coffee and email.  Reading, you know, whatever.  In times of stress, this is another thing that goes out the window.

Sometimes I wonder if I will ever find that bliss spot.  I’ve spent so many of my years being the one to Do The Right Thing, take the Responsible route, carry every other person’s burdens.  Yes, an enabler – I think co-dependent was the first therapy term I ever learned, and often pointed that stick at my mother.  It was so black and white, looking at my family dynamic.  I try to not be as bad as it could be.  Which leads me to…Boundaries.

Boundaries was the second therapy term I learned.  When I entered group therapy for my eating disorder, I had to read a book on boundaries.  Talk about a wall of bricks coming down!  It explained everything.  Light shone down from the sky onto my shoulders and eased some of the pain.  Learning that lesson helped so much in getting through the bulimia.

I was also heavily involved with a personal/professional development organization for a number of years.  Taking courses, volunteering, most of my friends were in that world.  Norman and I even took them together.  Then, I don’t know?  Becoming a parent?  No one, and I mean no one, can really explain how much parenting takes up of your life.  Oh sure, people talk about how difficult it is, how draining, and also how high it can lift you.  But believe me, until you walk in those shoes, you have NO idea what it means to be a parent.  Sorry, you just don’t.  It’s like entering a secret society you didn’t even know existed until another parent gives you that look.  Then the light bulb goes off and you’ve entered the community.

But back to me.

I haven’t done much self exploration and growth for 6 years.  A part of me misses that, the aspect of growing and learning in that kind of structured environment.  I go to my therapist randomly.  I go to talk when I’ve reached critical mass to talk through steps to get me through.  I don’t go regularly.  I should.  I’m afraid.  Even more than afraid – which I know I can get through once I decide it’s priority – it’s more that I’m tired.  The thought of how much energy it would take to go down that path, eiy!  That’s the hurdle I need to get over.  Finding the energy.  Cause I’ve got the time and the money.

Perhaps this post is the first step.

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