I’m too old for this stuff…then I had a Zoloft

Watching How I Met Your Mother and they are talking about being too old to do certain things.  Like – beer bong…raves…sleeping on futons…piercing body parts…  So I’m thinking, what am I too old for?

I think this is why I’ve had some hesitancy and reservation with my new ink (pictures coming after the touch up in a few weeks).  Am I too old for this?  The few people that have had a sneak peak to my back, has absolutely loved the piece.  Ok, ok…I know I can’t adequately see my own back.  And why my artist insisted Norman take a picture so I can study it from the perspective it’s meant to be viewed.  To give that kind of critical eye to discuss the last few changes, if any.

I digress. If I let go of that, those persistent tapes of what I should be doing in my life.  Well then, fuck it I’m finishing up a kick ass tattoo.  So suck on that!

Off to finish reading Heather Armstrong’s new book.  Going to see her tomorrow night for a reading.  I have to say, I think it’s a good thing that another woman has come out to share her story of post partum depression.  It’s real.  I don’t understand how people can discount it, say moms need to take vitamins or are faking it…god damn it parenting is the hardest thing.  E-V-E-R!!  There are not any words to describe to parentless-adults (children?) how incredibly hard it is to be a parent.  It’s so overwhelming. 

Regardless of what people think of Heather’s writing style, or the lead up to the breakdown – it is one more story, maybe one less mom feels so alone.  Maybe even more.  Isn’t that worth it?

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thursday in march

I turned my calendar over to March when I came in last week.  The quote this month is – Life does not put things in front of you that you are unable to handle (unknown).  It was one of those Damn It! moments.  The kind of message that needs to be said, more importantly heard.  Yet, the tired side that wants nothing more than to coast exclaims Damn It! 

So here I am.  Rather tired from some intense times at work that should die down by end-of-month.  I hope.  Norman is also having intense work time.  It seems to hit us both at the same time, so we are both stressed and cranky about work.  Routine COO duties on the homefront.  Including getting A into a summer program when school is out (score – program is less than a mile from my office!)  Two family visits.  Planning A’s 6th birthday party.

Then there’s me.  It’s no surprise that I let taking care of myself fall into last place.  Many many years ago (haha) when A was born my therapist recommended we each take a “night off” during the week to go do something we want – without family obligation.  I’ve been pretty good at sticking to that.  Then a year or so ago, same therapist told me I need to “recharge my batteries” regularly.  Like, every day.  Even little spurts like 15 mins alone with a coffee and email.  Reading, you know, whatever.  In times of stress, this is another thing that goes out the window.

Sometimes I wonder if I will ever find that bliss spot.  I’ve spent so many of my years being the one to Do The Right Thing, take the Responsible route, carry every other person’s burdens.  Yes, an enabler – I think co-dependent was the first therapy term I ever learned, and often pointed that stick at my mother.  It was so black and white, looking at my family dynamic.  I try to not be as bad as it could be.  Which leads me to…Boundaries.

Boundaries was the second therapy term I learned.  When I entered group therapy for my eating disorder, I had to read a book on boundaries.  Talk about a wall of bricks coming down!  It explained everything.  Light shone down from the sky onto my shoulders and eased some of the pain.  Learning that lesson helped so much in getting through the bulimia.

I was also heavily involved with a personal/professional development organization for a number of years.  Taking courses, volunteering, most of my friends were in that world.  Norman and I even took them together.  Then, I don’t know?  Becoming a parent?  No one, and I mean no one, can really explain how much parenting takes up of your life.  Oh sure, people talk about how difficult it is, how draining, and also how high it can lift you.  But believe me, until you walk in those shoes, you have NO idea what it means to be a parent.  Sorry, you just don’t.  It’s like entering a secret society you didn’t even know existed until another parent gives you that look.  Then the light bulb goes off and you’ve entered the community.

But back to me.

I haven’t done much self exploration and growth for 6 years.  A part of me misses that, the aspect of growing and learning in that kind of structured environment.  I go to my therapist randomly.  I go to talk when I’ve reached critical mass to talk through steps to get me through.  I don’t go regularly.  I should.  I’m afraid.  Even more than afraid – which I know I can get through once I decide it’s priority – it’s more that I’m tired.  The thought of how much energy it would take to go down that path, eiy!  That’s the hurdle I need to get over.  Finding the energy.  Cause I’ve got the time and the money.

Perhaps this post is the first step.

A’s meme

My friend sn0tty sent me a link to an interview of her little man. And asked if I would interview my little girl.  This is funny in places, it probably didn’t help that I was doing this 10 minutes before bedtime when she is all riled up and ready for the negotiations to begin…

What’s something Mommy always says?
A – Dang it!
Me – (oh great!) Anything else?
A – Please.  and Help Me.

What makes Daddy happy?
Buster (the cat).  And his girls

What is something Mommy does that makes you laugh?
When you ask me about laughing (bursts into hysterics)

How old is Daddy?
(answers question, I’ll spare the public answer)

How old is Mommy?
um…um…36?
(wrong, but I’ll take it!)

And how much does Mommy weigh?
A – I don’t know!
Me – if you weigh 44 pounds, how much do you think I weigh?
A – 100 pounds
Me – Really?!

If Mommy became famous, what will it be for?
Washing the dishes
?!?!?!

If Daddy became famous, what will it be for?
Dressing up so nice
(she’s got a point there)

What is Daddy really good at?
Cooking

What is Mommy’s favorite food?
Chocolate!

How are you and Daddy the same?
We pet Buster the most

What is Mommy not very good at?
A – (without hesitation, almost before I finish the question) Cooking.
Me – anything else?
A – Cleaning Buster’s litter box

What do you think Daddy was like at your age?
A – Um, I have to go think in my room. 
(she runs down the stairs, hushed whispers with Daddy, running back up the stairs)
A – Pretty much like me now, but read books all the time.

What was Mommy like at your age?
I think you liked to sing like me

What cities were we born in?
A – I don’t know, I was born here
Me – Where’s here?
A – Where’s that place? It starts with a vowel, I think Oregon?  I can’t remember what it’s called.
Me – Kirkland, you were born in Kirkland.
A – huh.
Me – At Evergreen Hospital
A – Oh yeah!  That place.

What is Mommy’s favorite thing to do?
A – Bake
Me – Anything else?
A – Talk to me

What does Mommy do for her job?
A – I need to think in my room again
(pitter patter down the stairs, laughter, returning…I hear her chanting as if repeating…bursts into room)
A – Project Management!

What kind of job does Daddy do?
Marketing
(she asked him directly what he did, since he’s now in the room with us)

How do you know your Mommy loves you?
Cause I always give you kisses! (MWAH!) Because I gave you a kiss right now.

Where is Mommy’s favorite place to go?
A – Sears
(I only go to Sears for major appliances or vaccum cleaners)
A – you know, that chocolate place, you know, Sears
Me – oh, you mean See’s? 
A – Yes, and Starbucks
(another funny since I don’t like Starbucks coffee and make my own cappuccinos at home)

How tall is Daddy?
A – I don’t know!
Me – If you are 3 1/2 feet, how much would you guess Daddy is?
A – 100
Me – Feet? 
A – no, just 100

What is Daddy not good at?
Baking.  And cleaning Buster’s litter box
(poor cat)

What kind of cartoon characters would we be?
Daddy is the Prince, you are the Queen and I’m the Princess
(yet another little girl that wants to marry her daddy..awwww)

Do you know how much I love you?
100 million zillion million 100 zillion!
…yep…she’s got that right!