Hearing recent stories, seeing magazines and books about September 11th has many of us thinking about where we were 10 years ago. What images and feelings are burned into our minds. 

I recently read Dooce’s entry on her 9/11 memories. I found it powerful to share her experience and thoughts. As tragic and paralyzing the memories are for people – some more than others – I think it’s important to remember. We need to keep in touch with horror in the world to combat it – the Holocaust, the Sudan, or anywhere on the globe, any of the other numerous terrorist attacks that have happened. If it makes us that much more compassionate, helps us to teach our children to make different choices, impacts one other person’s world – I think as humans we should feel obligated to carry that through.

So here is my memory…

I remember being in our house in Woodinville getting ready for work.  It was any other typical morning that I’m trying to rush out the door to beat traffic and get in to my desk on time.  I came out of the bathroom and Norman is on the bed, staring at the TV. I remember thinking how odd, we don’t turn the TV on in the morning. I turn to face the television and see one of the towers being hit. I plopped onto the bed next to him stunned.  I thought, what is this? It cannot be real!

I sat on the bed with him a little bit longer. Watching the video, hearing a different kind of emotion from the reporters. The kind where professionalism is out the window and their real emotion and personalities show up. That is so very rare.

Eventually I got up, into my car and drove to work. I turned on NPR. I remember hearing Bob Edwards giving a moment by moment account of what was happening. I remember him choking out, sharing with all the listeners, that the 2nd tower was hit. I remember crying.

I remember arriving at the office and no one was working. It was terribly somber. We were together in a way that felt like a community trying to grasp the enormity of what was unfolding before us. Our VP left to go buy a TV. That was set up in an empty office and we all funneled in and out to watch as long as we could stand before returning to our desks. I wasn’t working at all. I was on my computer looking around news sites and absorbing every detail and update. I remember hitting the F5 key over and over and over and over and over…

I don’t remember when I left. Our VP sent us all home. There wasn’t any work being done. People certainly didn’t want to be at the office. I met Norman at home, being together and dealing with everything that was unfolding before us.  It was before we were married, a girlfriend of mine was pregnant. I wondered how could she cope with bringing a child into this kind of world?  How could I? How do you explain to a kid something like this?


Just even typing this out, my eyes are welling up. The other night at dinner my Dad and I were explaining 9/11 to A. She knows what it is, she doesn’t know the feeling, the experience of what happened that day. I told her there will be many TV shows on in memorial, and it will be a hard day for Mommy, Daddy and Papa to see any of it. I was telling my dad about Portraits of Resilience, which started at 8:46am ET. A asked if she could watch it. I was somewhere between stunned and understanding towards her request. I told her yes, that she can watch it. I also explained that it is a very sad story, and could be hard to watch, so we should talk about it. She should ask us any question she has. And to tell us if she needs to stop watching.

This morning A and I ran the Iron Girl 5k in Seattle. It was an event full of positive energy. Many mom/daughter teams (we were the Glisten Girls) and it was great to see Moms work with their girls, pushing them forward. I am so proud of A, she did so fabulous, beyond my expectations. It was a very happy morning.

We should continue to experience joy.

We need to bring community to those around us.

We should always remember.

(disclaimer – if you don’t care to know about my breast health, stop reading now)

Two years and one week ago, I had an annual check up that my provider found an odd lump. 

One year, 11 months, 3 weeks and 6 days ago I had a benign lump removed. 

Eight hours and 31 minutes ago, I had another annual check up. 

My nurse practitioner found what she is pretty sure, but not entirely certain, a large cyst. So now I have to go and have more fun testing and films and if I’m lucky – nothing will come of it. Or maybe I’ll get a recommendation to have the cyst drained (which I hope they give me a Xanax). And very likely a different kind of testing and heightened awareness the rest of my life.

Do I sound bitter?  Yeah….that’s kind of where I am right now.

Earlier today when I was thinking about typing up a post, I was considering a title like “What I hate about getting older” Because as amazing our bodies are, how much abuse they will take and keep moving forward, eventually they will begin breaking down. I feel like in the last 2 years I have entered this realm. More opportunities to think about how I’m living my life and be thankful that I honestly do live as healthy as I can. I work out, I love doing that for myself and the results. I eat well, excluding chocolate binges and Friday tasty beverages. I try to get Me time, I do neglect my sleep, and well – I thrive on stress.

So…not feeling as bitter as I was when I started this (The Proposal is distracting me right now). We’ll see in a week or so how freaked out I become. Or not. Let’s hope not…

I was at the gym this morning when I saw an up-coming Today story – What’s your deepest, darkest secret? Moms confess…  Today.com and Parenting.com surveyed 26,000 moms.  Mental note – go look that up online later…

So I read the article.

Uh…..nothing surprising. Really – any mom out there look at that and feel surprised by anything they said? Shocked at how many admitted to certain actions like medicating a child or using them as an excuse to get out of stuff?  Haven’t done the former, have done the latter. So what? I’ve sent a sick kid to daycare and I often want to be left alone. Are you judging me now? How about that I ponder the “Do Over” question?

So why am I writing about this? Besides shaking my head at the honest reality of it all?  Yes! It is so freeing to be able to say these kinds of things to my closest girlfriends (and I guess now the internets).  Blogs like dooce or All & Sundry have helped in laughing, crying or figuring out tips of my own in the whole parenting scheme. Or the ah yes I remember that moment…  Like at my 2-week post partum sobbing to my doctor that I didn’t want to be a mommy that day.

But those blogs didn’t exist when I was considering pregnancy – OK, they might have, but I wasn’t reading them. There was not a Loud Voice out there of Mommy Bloggers talking about the challenges and joys of parenthood. No one being totally honest and raw about what it meant to be a parent.

I remember coming back from maternity leave, Fall of 2003 and running into a pregnant co-worker in the cafeteria. She was in the happy pregnancy stage, no morning sickness, not physically uncomfortable, she was just joyous and bubbly. I was operating on about 4 hours of sleep.  She asked me how wonderful it was to be a parent and how excited I was to have a daughter. I looked at her straight in the eye and say “No one tells you how hard it is”, she smiles, “No really, there are not words to describe how HARD it is!” She gave a nervous laugh and walked away.  Months later after her maternity leave, she walks up to me with that wild-eyed new parent look, takes my hand and says something to the effect of, “You were SO right and I had no idea…there truly aren’t words…”

If you aren’t a parent – that may not have made sense to you.

I love my child. She is sharp, creative, caring, pretty and cunning. She is a force to be reckoned with now and will be until she leaves the nest for her own place. I love that she takes care of me when I’m ill, brings me art for my office, eager to share a dessert, read a book together and wants to cuddle from time to time. But sometimes….

sometimes….

sometimes….

….sometimes….

I just wish I could do it over.

It was a pretty rough week, things were more stressful at work than they probably needed to be, or maybe I just wasn’t prepared. It doesn’t matter now – that work week is over and I’m resting up for the next one!

By Friday night, I was ready to collapse in a pile and be done with it all. I was so far gone I didn’t even want a drink or dessert – I just wanted to run away.  That is ultimate stress for me – not to sound like I rely on my Friday evening cocktail – but not wanting it is a sign I need some serious re-group time.  So I decided to just let it go, and prepare to take a kick-boxing class Saturday morning at the gym. What better way to get out frustration than punching and kicking?!  Problem was, the studio for class was being refinished so all classes were canceled for the weekend. Frick!  I went for a long run and pushed myself to run most of it. I felt pretty good by the time I got home.

But it still wasn’t enough.

I needed to get out for the day. To go be alone and recharge and I wasn’t sure when I was going to come back. I drove up to the Anacortes Art Festival. I used to go every year, but not so much recently.  It was good, I’m glad I went. Saw some good artisan work and some, well, eh. I ran into a friend of mine that is a jeweler and spent a little bit of time catching up and meeting her daughter. After walking through the whole festival twice, I was ready to go. But it was only 4:30 and I wasn’t ready to head back down to Redmond. Still too much energy inside.

I side tracked to Deception Pass. I used to go up there frequently when I was single. It was an easy hike, and there are beaches to sit and meditate on. I hadn’t planned on hiking so didn’t have the right shoes or even a backpack. Still I walked down to the beach and spent about a hour sitting in the sun, listening to the water break on the rocks. I put together my own spiral, it helped calm my mind.

spiral_1

There is nothing like a beach and water to help calm me. I’m not a mountain person, I don’t like camping, nature and I have a tentative relationship. Except for water. I could never live in the Midwest and be so far from an ocean. When I think about my retirement, I see my house being near the water, close enough that I could walk down to get the kind of recharge I had yesterday.

So here is a personal reminder to myself – that when it all gets to be too much, I don’t have to drive 90 minutes to Deception Pass (although a good option) – there are many beaches around town that I could escape. Some close enough to take a lunch break, some far enough that no one could just “drop in” on me.

water_2

I really like my job. I say that with honesty and some level of humbleness having never thought I would *ever* say I really liked my job, maybe even love it some days. I am fortunate to work with some really fantastic people on an exciting project that is pushing my boundaries and comfort zone in more ways than possible. Or so it feels most days. I’ve grown a lot over the last year. Made some mistakes with huge learning opportunity. Made some good relationships and set myself up for success on many levels in my organization and maybe even out of it one day.

The past few weeks have been very trying. I am pushed up against every motivation and belief of success. I feel like I’m fighting that stereo-typical up-hill battle on a 90-degree incline. Two weeks ago I was so frustrated I just had to laugh, I couldn’t let it get to me, how productive would that have been? Last week I was tired and going through the motions, but not going through the motions since there was a lot to get done and some significant blocks in the way.  This week….well this week….I’m just cranky!

I have that feeling that I remember so many years in my career. That poisonous feeling of resentment and frustration and hopelessness. Reaching the final edge of burn-out, but don’t see the light since this piece of work is going to carry into October. Gawd! October? I’m not done enjoying my summer!

I’ve come up with some sayings and stress release that help put a smile back on my face. It really is significant how laughing at it all can help reduce my stress level. Even better when I have people to share it with, and we can all laugh about it.  I think about some of the challenges in the past few weeks and have already identified some potential opportunities to change it next time.

Yep – I think tomorrow I need to add some new tasks to my white board. And spend some time each and every day on them to keep sight on why I like my job and right now, this week and maybe through next month – I’m just going through some shit that just has to happen. It will all be OK, we will get there, we always do!

(OK – I did just gag a little bit thinking I sounded like a cheerleader, which I do not associate with in any form!)

So then on to the next opportunity!
and a pedicure tomorrow, that should help, relaxation….yep….that should help too…

I’ve been a fan of Mike Doughty for awhile now. All the way back to Soul Coughing days.  I love to see him live at any opportunity, he puts on a really great performance.  I even have 2 signed CDs and met him in person (star struck eyed and all).  Today I was listening to Busking on the ride in and 40 Grand in the Hole was on.  This verse struck me so much that I rewound it 5 or 6 times to listen again:

When will I hear the click?

When will I know that it is time to split?

What is the use of it?

What is my life without the heart at risk?

It really was that last line. Putting my heart at risk. As those very close to me will tell you, I don’t do that. There is a wall that very, very few people get through. My dear husband included…

I have a history of being too trusting and having it come back to bite me. Or have people leave me because they don’t agree with my decisions. Those are people that probably shouldn’t be in my life anyway. I need to succeed or fail on my own. I should be able to ask my friends to support me either way. Everything is a learning opportunity.

Recently I’ve been talking about that in therapy. What am I protecting by not being totally honest with those I hold so dear? Sure, there are the obvious ones like judgment, rejection, or hits to my self-worth. It takes a lot to shock me or send me sideways when someone opens up to me, so why do I allow myself to live by different rules? ugh! (I can hear my therapist’s voice in my head right now….)

I’ve been experimenting in the last few months. Sharing a bit more with those that are closer to the wall. No one has stoned me yet. Although I still fear the reaction.

Baby steps I suppose…

This article on MSNBC today really burns me up, Report: Alleged Libya rape victim arrives in US.  Alleged.  ALLEGED?!  That word feels so accusatory to me. Here is what Merriam-Webster says about Alleged:

: asserted to be true or to exist <an alleged miracle>

: questionably true or of a specified kind : supposed1, so-called2 <bought an alleged antique vase>

: accused but not proven or convicted <an alleged burglar>

al·leg·ed·ly\-ˈle-jəd-lē\ adverb

Examples of ALLEGED

  1. The alleged thief was arrested.
  2. He denied the alleged conspiracy.

And what my Thesaurus comes up with:

Alleged

OK….OK….I understand it’s not proven, maybe she’s lying.  But maybe she’s telling the TRUTH!  When it comes to rape, why is the victim painted in such a poor light?  What about the accused?  Yes, yes, headlines often read “accused rape suspect”….but why put the woman (or man for that matter) under scrutiny that they did something wrong?  Who the cares if they were drunk, dressed provocatively or “asking for it”.  If someone says NO, it means fucking NO!!!

Not only did she report being raped, she reported being gang raped.

This world can really SUCK sometimes you know?

I hope she finds solace and reassurance in what must be a very emotionally taxing time for her.  That she has someone to lean on.  That will listen to her.  And truly believe she is telling the truth.

I’m inclined to believe her…

It’s been quite a while.  Quite!  I was thinking a few weeks ago (yes, that long) that I haven’t been keeping up with the new year’s resolutions.  Is this really news?  I supposed not, but this year I wanted to get back to writing notes, on all the stationary collecting in my desk.  I think the hand written letters are an art form that needs to be kept up in the world.  It meant so much to me growing up to have a pen pal.  So exciting to get notes with pictures or little tokens of love and friendship.  Recently, a college friend from Jersey was looking for a pen pal for her daughter.  I got her connected with someone out here is Washington.  I truly  hope the girls become friends and have that same love of letter writing and quirky local fare to send to each other. 

Live by

the Trinity

of what

is True,

Good, and

Beautiful

Alexandra Stoddard

It’s been a trying 2 weeks for me.  My ass has been kicked around by multiple illnesses.  Last week I had a fever for two days, slept most of that off.  A sore throat that turned out to be strep.  Another little health scare that has turned out to not be as serious as I had thought.  And now I have a head cold.  Frick.  Of course, going to 3 concerts this past week has not helped in my healing.  I think it’s why I have a head cold right now.

It certainly is a reminder to take care of myself.  More than working out or eating right.  I need to figure out how to not be so stressed out most of the time, or perhaps the more accurate way to describe it is not to be so forward focused on what needs to get done.  I haven’t been a manager for 5 1/2 years since I left my old job.  Learning to delegate was one of the more challenging aspects for me.  I’m not really in a role to delegate – but I’m not talking about work, I’m talking about home.

Mostly for the kid.  A few weeks ago she and I cleaned her room.  There was an expectation that she keep it up, within reason, as we promised to update her room.  The baby colors and artwork has served its purpose.  Now she is 8 and ready to move into her tween phase (goddess help us!).  She got a new stereo this week, a real one with actual speakers and docking station for her iTouch.  When it was set up this week I got all nostalgic for my first stereo.  Music has played such an important part of my life, although she won’t be laying on the floor looking at the LP sleeve and learning all the lyrics – it has been great to watch her this past week steal away to her room at night and listen to all sorts of music.  Norman gave her some Bowie, although I haven’t heard that coming out of the speakers yet.  I have heard Storm Large and a mix-CD she got at a birthday party 2 years ago.  And last night – she asked me for Black Eyed Peas!!  There is hope for her yet!  Granted, not sure the Peas are 8-yr old appropriate, but we are getting somewhere.

Anyway – my point is – as parents we need to be better about holding her to household chores.  Like – my goodness put your clean clothes away on Sunday!  Not Friday!  And put them away properly please, don’t just shove them in a drawer.  Oh, and make your bed, empty the dishwasher, feed the cat and water the plants.  That is not too much to ask of an 8-yr old.

I’ve been beating myself up about slacking on that, that I need to be better to hold her accountable.  She’s starting 3rd grade in the fall and needs to start contributing.  Some girlfriends and I were talking recently that kids don’t seem to be as afraid of their parents as when we grew up.  I don’t mean in an abusive way.  I mean that if we didn’t behave or do what expected – that there are consequences.  Like being grounded or TV taken away (in today’s world is that grounded, no Xbox or cell phones?!)  The one that got me every single time was having my stereo taken away.  If my offense was serious enough, I would lose my stereo for a week.  It killed me, I really got the point of what I had done wrong.  I learned my lesson.  I tried to do better.  I need to find that kind of meaningful thing for A – what is going to help teach the lesson so she tries to do better the next time.

I think, to start, we should make a chore chart this weekend.  And a promise statement about what is expected in the house, and any consequences if not upheld.  Yep…think I should go talk to Norman about that…

So – here’s to healing and taking the next steps for positive mental health!

Keep your eyes on the stars and keep you feet on the ground

Teddy Roosevelt

First of all – little known Jen fact – when I was a kid Teddy Roosevelt was my favorite president.  One time while visiting relatives we visited his home and I just became obsessed.  I (once) knew a lot of things about his life and time as president, sadly those facts don’t live in my brain anymore.

Anyway – Hi! Back from Italy for 3 days now and the jet lag is somewhat OK.  About 30 minutes ago I hit my wall.  Which includes a throbbing headache and lack of focus.  I am able to function in some level of awake-ness from 6am – 9pm, with intermittent brain lapses, irritability and strong desire to put my head down.  I’ll get there, and honestly it isn’t too bad…I’ll just complain about it today.

So – this month’s quote – feels rather apropos given the vacation and time in Italy.  We all talked about incorporating some of the Cortona/Italian life style back into our lives with kids and jobs and responsibilities.  I need to spend some time and figure out what that means for me.  Aside from finding the perfect local cappuccino that could stand up to Café Signorelli!

Items that won’t work on a daily basis:

  1. Sleeping until 9am
  2. Hour long morning coffee in the sun outside at a café
  3. Early afternoon naps
  4. The level of wine consumption we had in Italy (although some of that crew may challenge me on this)
  5. Afternoon gelati runs

Items that could work on a daily basis:

  1. Being outside!  Hiking, walking, exploring new places or favorite haunts
  2. Time in a comfy chair with coffee and a favorite CD for 10-15 minutes to start the day
  3. More frequent connection with friends
  4. Shopping at local farmer’s markets and eating the freshest produce possible
  5. Reading, for more than 10 minutes and from a book not a magazine
  6. Playing Uno
  7. Taking up a craft/DIY/hobby that will charge my batteries
  8. …more TBD….

Hm, pretty good list for possible options, will need to spend more time thinking that through.  So far today I’ve…

  1. Attempted to find the perfect cappuccino
  2. Spent time outside, like a whole 90 minutes!
  3. ah, rest of day is TBD

Ciao!

Norman and I had a little bit more time to enjoy Cortona this morning while out housemates had to catch a gawd-awful early train.  So we got to spend some time in a Saturday market, super fresh seafood, mounds and blocks of cheese, some of the freshest produce imaginable! (makes me want to only shop at Pike’s Place for stuff).  There were also some fun linens, shoes, hand bag and clothes vendors.  We got a bright and sunny tablecloth and some dish towels.  Very fun!  We had our last lunch and coffee drinks at Cafe Signorelli, one of the more expensive places – but sometimes you pay for the service and location.  “Our guy” has come to know us and I was a bit sad to say good-bye.

We left Cortona at noon today.  Enzo who drove us from the airport a week ago, picked us up to go to the train station.  Then the train into Rome, then to the airport, then through security, etc and here we are 5 hours and 15 minutes later.  That was quite a long trip!  Hanging out in the British Air lounge, our plane will be boarding soon.

It’s been an incredible time in Italy.  There is a part of me that is SO eager to get home and hug my kid, to get back to some sort of normal schedule. And then there is a part of me that doesn’t want to let go of how slow things moved (for an American) and enjoying the day more than I ever thought possible.  While sitting in the Piazza today watching the Saturday crowd – I asked Norman if we had anything like it in Washington.  We came up with Redmond Town Center.  Although people don’t just sit and visit and relax there.  Did you know you cannot find a “to go” cup for coffee anywhere?!  Anywhere!!  It really forces the sit down and relax.

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