I’ve been a fan of Mike Doughty for awhile now. All the way back to Soul Coughing days.  I love to see him live at any opportunity, he puts on a really great performance.  I even have 2 signed CDs and met him in person (star struck eyed and all).  Today I was listening to Busking on the ride in and 40 Grand in the Hole was on.  This verse struck me so much that I rewound it 5 or 6 times to listen again:

When will I hear the click?

When will I know that it is time to split?

What is the use of it?

What is my life without the heart at risk?

It really was that last line. Putting my heart at risk. As those very close to me will tell you, I don’t do that. There is a wall that very, very few people get through. My dear husband included…

I have a history of being too trusting and having it come back to bite me. Or have people leave me because they don’t agree with my decisions. Those are people that probably shouldn’t be in my life anyway. I need to succeed or fail on my own. I should be able to ask my friends to support me either way. Everything is a learning opportunity.

Recently I’ve been talking about that in therapy. What am I protecting by not being totally honest with those I hold so dear? Sure, there are the obvious ones like judgment, rejection, or hits to my self-worth. It takes a lot to shock me or send me sideways when someone opens up to me, so why do I allow myself to live by different rules? ugh! (I can hear my therapist’s voice in my head right now….)

I’ve been experimenting in the last few months. Sharing a bit more with those that are closer to the wall. No one has stoned me yet. Although I still fear the reaction.

Baby steps I suppose…

This article on MSNBC today really burns me up, Report: Alleged Libya rape victim arrives in US.  Alleged.  ALLEGED?!  That word feels so accusatory to me. Here is what Merriam-Webster says about Alleged:

: asserted to be true or to exist <an alleged miracle>

: questionably true or of a specified kind : supposed1, so-called2 <bought an alleged antique vase>

: accused but not proven or convicted <an alleged burglar>

al·leg·ed·ly\-ˈle-jəd-lē\ adverb

Examples of ALLEGED

  1. The alleged thief was arrested.
  2. He denied the alleged conspiracy.

And what my Thesaurus comes up with:

Alleged

OK….OK….I understand it’s not proven, maybe she’s lying.  But maybe she’s telling the TRUTH!  When it comes to rape, why is the victim painted in such a poor light?  What about the accused?  Yes, yes, headlines often read “accused rape suspect”….but why put the woman (or man for that matter) under scrutiny that they did something wrong?  Who the cares if they were drunk, dressed provocatively or “asking for it”.  If someone says NO, it means fucking NO!!!

Not only did she report being raped, she reported being gang raped.

This world can really SUCK sometimes you know?

I hope she finds solace and reassurance in what must be a very emotionally taxing time for her.  That she has someone to lean on.  That will listen to her.  And truly believe she is telling the truth.

I’m inclined to believe her…

It’s been quite a while.  Quite!  I was thinking a few weeks ago (yes, that long) that I haven’t been keeping up with the new year’s resolutions.  Is this really news?  I supposed not, but this year I wanted to get back to writing notes, on all the stationary collecting in my desk.  I think the hand written letters are an art form that needs to be kept up in the world.  It meant so much to me growing up to have a pen pal.  So exciting to get notes with pictures or little tokens of love and friendship.  Recently, a college friend from Jersey was looking for a pen pal for her daughter.  I got her connected with someone out here is Washington.  I truly  hope the girls become friends and have that same love of letter writing and quirky local fare to send to each other. 

Live by

the Trinity

of what

is True,

Good, and

Beautiful

Alexandra Stoddard

It’s been a trying 2 weeks for me.  My ass has been kicked around by multiple illnesses.  Last week I had a fever for two days, slept most of that off.  A sore throat that turned out to be strep.  Another little health scare that has turned out to not be as serious as I had thought.  And now I have a head cold.  Frick.  Of course, going to 3 concerts this past week has not helped in my healing.  I think it’s why I have a head cold right now.

It certainly is a reminder to take care of myself.  More than working out or eating right.  I need to figure out how to not be so stressed out most of the time, or perhaps the more accurate way to describe it is not to be so forward focused on what needs to get done.  I haven’t been a manager for 5 1/2 years since I left my old job.  Learning to delegate was one of the more challenging aspects for me.  I’m not really in a role to delegate – but I’m not talking about work, I’m talking about home.

Mostly for the kid.  A few weeks ago she and I cleaned her room.  There was an expectation that she keep it up, within reason, as we promised to update her room.  The baby colors and artwork has served its purpose.  Now she is 8 and ready to move into her tween phase (goddess help us!).  She got a new stereo this week, a real one with actual speakers and docking station for her iTouch.  When it was set up this week I got all nostalgic for my first stereo.  Music has played such an important part of my life, although she won’t be laying on the floor looking at the LP sleeve and learning all the lyrics – it has been great to watch her this past week steal away to her room at night and listen to all sorts of music.  Norman gave her some Bowie, although I haven’t heard that coming out of the speakers yet.  I have heard Storm Large and a mix-CD she got at a birthday party 2 years ago.  And last night – she asked me for Black Eyed Peas!!  There is hope for her yet!  Granted, not sure the Peas are 8-yr old appropriate, but we are getting somewhere.

Anyway – my point is – as parents we need to be better about holding her to household chores.  Like – my goodness put your clean clothes away on Sunday!  Not Friday!  And put them away properly please, don’t just shove them in a drawer.  Oh, and make your bed, empty the dishwasher, feed the cat and water the plants.  That is not too much to ask of an 8-yr old.

I’ve been beating myself up about slacking on that, that I need to be better to hold her accountable.  She’s starting 3rd grade in the fall and needs to start contributing.  Some girlfriends and I were talking recently that kids don’t seem to be as afraid of their parents as when we grew up.  I don’t mean in an abusive way.  I mean that if we didn’t behave or do what expected – that there are consequences.  Like being grounded or TV taken away (in today’s world is that grounded, no Xbox or cell phones?!)  The one that got me every single time was having my stereo taken away.  If my offense was serious enough, I would lose my stereo for a week.  It killed me, I really got the point of what I had done wrong.  I learned my lesson.  I tried to do better.  I need to find that kind of meaningful thing for A – what is going to help teach the lesson so she tries to do better the next time.

I think, to start, we should make a chore chart this weekend.  And a promise statement about what is expected in the house, and any consequences if not upheld.  Yep…think I should go talk to Norman about that…

So – here’s to healing and taking the next steps for positive mental health!

Keep your eyes on the stars and keep you feet on the ground

Teddy Roosevelt

First of all – little known Jen fact – when I was a kid Teddy Roosevelt was my favorite president.  One time while visiting relatives we visited his home and I just became obsessed.  I (once) knew a lot of things about his life and time as president, sadly those facts don’t live in my brain anymore.

Anyway – Hi! Back from Italy for 3 days now and the jet lag is somewhat OK.  About 30 minutes ago I hit my wall.  Which includes a throbbing headache and lack of focus.  I am able to function in some level of awake-ness from 6am – 9pm, with intermittent brain lapses, irritability and strong desire to put my head down.  I’ll get there, and honestly it isn’t too bad…I’ll just complain about it today.

So – this month’s quote – feels rather apropos given the vacation and time in Italy.  We all talked about incorporating some of the Cortona/Italian life style back into our lives with kids and jobs and responsibilities.  I need to spend some time and figure out what that means for me.  Aside from finding the perfect local cappuccino that could stand up to Café Signorelli!

Items that won’t work on a daily basis:

  1. Sleeping until 9am
  2. Hour long morning coffee in the sun outside at a café
  3. Early afternoon naps
  4. The level of wine consumption we had in Italy (although some of that crew may challenge me on this)
  5. Afternoon gelati runs

Items that could work on a daily basis:

  1. Being outside!  Hiking, walking, exploring new places or favorite haunts
  2. Time in a comfy chair with coffee and a favorite CD for 10-15 minutes to start the day
  3. More frequent connection with friends
  4. Shopping at local farmer’s markets and eating the freshest produce possible
  5. Reading, for more than 10 minutes and from a book not a magazine
  6. Playing Uno
  7. Taking up a craft/DIY/hobby that will charge my batteries
  8. …more TBD….

Hm, pretty good list for possible options, will need to spend more time thinking that through.  So far today I’ve…

  1. Attempted to find the perfect cappuccino
  2. Spent time outside, like a whole 90 minutes!
  3. ah, rest of day is TBD

Ciao!

Norman and I had a little bit more time to enjoy Cortona this morning while out housemates had to catch a gawd-awful early train.  So we got to spend some time in a Saturday market, super fresh seafood, mounds and blocks of cheese, some of the freshest produce imaginable! (makes me want to only shop at Pike’s Place for stuff).  There were also some fun linens, shoes, hand bag and clothes vendors.  We got a bright and sunny tablecloth and some dish towels.  Very fun!  We had our last lunch and coffee drinks at Cafe Signorelli, one of the more expensive places – but sometimes you pay for the service and location.  “Our guy” has come to know us and I was a bit sad to say good-bye.

We left Cortona at noon today.  Enzo who drove us from the airport a week ago, picked us up to go to the train station.  Then the train into Rome, then to the airport, then through security, etc and here we are 5 hours and 15 minutes later.  That was quite a long trip!  Hanging out in the British Air lounge, our plane will be boarding soon.

It’s been an incredible time in Italy.  There is a part of me that is SO eager to get home and hug my kid, to get back to some sort of normal schedule. And then there is a part of me that doesn’t want to let go of how slow things moved (for an American) and enjoying the day more than I ever thought possible.  While sitting in the Piazza today watching the Saturday crowd – I asked Norman if we had anything like it in Washington.  We came up with Redmond Town Center.  Although people don’t just sit and visit and relax there.  Did you know you cannot find a “to go” cup for coffee anywhere?!  Anywhere!!  It really forces the sit down and relax.

It’s our last day here in Cortona.  We are all going out to eat soon – final hurrah!

Yesterday we all went our own way for the day.  Norman and I took an easy hike up a mountain, something like 700 feet from where we started.  Then we went for our daily cappuccino, clean up and back into town.  We went to the local museum and saw some amazing artifacts from the Etruscan period – including items from a tomb.  Also some more recent art – like in the last 50 years, as opposed to most of the 500BC – 1800 range we had seen so far.  Quick lunch, sun time, afternoon cafe, and Norman went off for a very fabulous meal.

Today after morning cafe, we went down to the town cemetery.  There were head stones back to the 1800s, very different from what you would see in the states.  Including how much love that was contained inside.  Family is a very important aspect of the Italian culture.  We were all remarking later how our transient nature in the US would make it rather difficult to be buried in the same place and convenient enough for our relatives to visit regularly to leave fresh flowers.

I’m having some difficulty loading pictures, so definitely check out Norman’s blog, and likely something even more when we return.

This is the first vacation I’ve ever taken where it feels as if time is standing still.  I can hardly believe it’s only Wednesday!  We have 2 more days in this town and I’m looking forward to every sunny, wine sipping, food eating moment of it!

Yesterday was rather lazy – sort of.  A few of us rallied very early to go attend a mass with “singing nuns that sound like angels”.  Only we weren’t sure of the exact church (remember there are 22?) and the one we did see, had all of 6 pews.  No hiding in the back of that mass.  Once the priest started the mass, we decided we would rather let them be than enter or sit outside and wait for more singing.  So we went for coffee instead.  How appropriate.

We had lunch at the house, and a lazy stroll through town.  More reading, a quick nap, and Oh The Bells!  I’m not one to nap in the first place, being woken by church bells for 10 minutes straight made me a little punchy.  At least it wasn’t grumpy.  We decided to eat in town.  Upon our late return, most of the house went to sleep.  Four of us stayed up drinking more wine and playing Uno – which I am still pretty good at to my surprise.  Sometimes it’s luck in how the cards fall, sometimes the strategy pays off.  It was a lot of fun, I don’t often get a chance to play a card game (or board game for that matter) and really enjoyed the company.

Today we woke up early again to head out on a wine and cheese tour in Montepulciano. The town was absolutely gorgeous.  We started at a winery with good wine, I was more impressed with their olive oil (which Norman bought 2 cans of) with bread and salt.  The two cheeses were also very nice and the accompanying jellies. Our guide knew a lot about the town, where she has lived for 20 years.  Lots about the history of noble families, local religious figures and how commoners may have lived.  Including a real live Renaissance entry way with a boiling pot of oil, but not today.

The last winery was a small, family owned place that mostly serves restaurants and local shops. It was the best of the day, and even though the cost to ship it home was very high, the per bottle still worked out to be cheaper than what we would get in the US.  So yay – what a fun thing to bring home!

We all pretty much fell asleep or into a trance on the ride back, barely made it up the hill and are now in various states of sleep, reading or general laziness.  Norman is cooking tonight.  But now it’s time to go into town to get something from the bakery for dessert.  It is, after all, our 9th wedding anniversary today.  What a fabulous way to celebrate!

The bells rang out about 8 this morning, I could have sworn I heard singing – which would not be that far-fetched given a church right behind us has a daily, 8am mass with singing nuns.  Ah, the recovered Catholic in me isn’t sure what to think.

After a yummy breakfast prepared by Norman, and a quick jaunt downtown for a cappuccino.  We all rallied to climb to the top of the mountain (we are already pretty high up) to see the Santa Margherita church – housing a mummified nun in a glass case for all to come and pay respects.  Being in a catholic church was surreal for me.  The second I walked through the door the incense hit me and I was transported back to my own years of worship.  We did not attend a classic or old-American style Catholic church, ours was pretty modern, no confessionals, contemporary crucifixes and interpreted host.  Regardless, the confessionals, the offerings it was pulling on me.  When I actually stood at the altar to admire the beauty of the church…I could not help but feel like I was committing a great sin being at the altar.  I wandered to the back of the church and saw the holy water.  I actually contemplated genuflection and perhaps confess my sins (it’s been at least 24 years, that would be a frickin’ lot of Hail Mary’s).  The nun watching over the church started pointing at people in the sanctuary, directly pointing, hiss and indicate we needed to line up.  My first thought was a tour – but I wasn’t part of that group over there….  She continued to hiss in my direction so I went over.  We were all lead out the back of the church into the sun.  Oh….so a service was about to begin and we were not welcome.  Got it….  Very, very, very weird feelings.

We then walked up to the Fortress Girifalco, stunningly beautiful.  To think that armies used to live there and watch out over the valley for invaders.  That I’m in a country that has more history in this one little town than all of the United States.  Someone remarked about what it would take a build a fort like that, with all the stone, at the very top of the mountain.  Slave labor.  Ugh!

We had a local chef in to make us a fabulous and delicious meal this evening.  We started with some fried veggies and a white wine.  There is nothing as good as battered and fried food – yet this was exceptional!  There was eggplant, zucchini, zucchini blossoms – but the best were the sage leafs.  Which were HUGE!  Then on to antipasti, bread, homemade pasta (that we each rolled out) in a simple olive oil, basil and fresh tomato sauce.  Incredibly rich – I have never tasted pasta so rich before.  I didn’t finish my plate!  The carnivores then had roasted chicken.  I was not tempted in the least even though taunts of “it tastes just like bacon” came out from just about everyone!  Dessert was a freshly made tiramisu - we all agreed that a proper tiramisu (as Chef Ivan agreed) should not contain any alcohol.  Of course,  much wine was consumed as well.

Now I’m gearing down for the evening – as we are planning to attend mass tomorrow to hear the nuns sing.  I’m hoping for a better internal response to sitting through a mass.  I think I shall be very quiet to hear what my head, heart and soul have to say about that.

Ciao!

What a great day, totally relaxing, totally free and indulgent, very full with good friends, great conversation, excellent food and bountiful amounts of wine! Very much looking forward to the rest of the week, and wondering if and when we could come back here, with focus on learning Italian before that occurs.

Looking forward to the next adventure!

p.s. – Pictures to come will tell quite a tale of 7 housemates and the stories that ensue…

Posted from WordPress for Windows Phone

Norman and I just got back from the Piazza where we each had a cappuccino and fabulous pastries.  I believe it was when I took the second bite of my croissant and sip of capp that I decided, Norman will be running on his own this week.  I’m going to indulge and enjoy (note to self – I am rather exercise obsessed, perhaps something to discuss with my therapist upon return).  I was actually surprised how many store fronts were open at 8am on a Sunday.  A different culture for sure.  Suppose I don’t have to worry about the grocery opening today so we can get some food for the house.

Anyhoooo…..

I woke this morning to chirping birds and church bells.  So unless there is some kind of super sonic ear plugs in town, those bells will be waking me at 7 each morning.  Not that I mind, having spent a few days in London I’m not jet lagged.  That was a good choice!  My poor housemates.  Here is the view I will look out on each morning…

Bedroom Cortona

View from my bed in Italy

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