monthly quote


Life

begins

at

the

end

of

your

comfort

zone

- Neale Donald Walsch –

Today that is feeling a bit hard to swallow. The last few weeks I’ve been working on scrubbing my space, clearing paths and making progress. More so in my personal life as my work life is an hour-by-hour hodge podge of Groundhog’s Day scenario (on the bright side, it is sliding off my back more easily than it has in quite awhile)

Today I feel heavy. Maybe it’s the lack of enthusiasm I have for my job right now. Where I spend most of my waking hours? I’m burnt out on this project, I’m burnt out with the Groundhog’s Day world that this project has morphed into. I’m ready for something new. People know I’m ready for something new. When I go have talks about something New, it helps to re-energize me and move forward. I think I’ll go put some time on my calendar to take a step every day – whether it’s reading the job board, having a coffee or lunch, or researching an area of the business that interests me. It’s time to move forward.

For now though, at 2pm on this Friday afternoon, I’m shutting down and heading to Seattle. I think I’ll go do some shopping or something before my haircut. Then it’s book club. I always enjoy book club. I imagine I’ll be laughing a lot tonight and that will help re-energize me too!

That reminds me, in January my New Year’s resolution was to allow myself Grace. I think this is a perfectly example to embrace that Grace and run with it. Or stroll. Whatever feels comfortable you know?

This post has been a long time coming. To blame it on the auction is a cop out. I’m still struggling a bit with this trip (Part 1 and Part 2) that is now 4+ months in my past. I’ve talked about it in therapy. I’ve shared it with friends. On some level it is still haunting me, still allowing it to have control over me. Looks like I have another thing to talk about this week with my therapist…

All through my time in Singapore, and the multiple times I told the story, I was actually laughing. It shocked me. I thought it would be a year (at least) before I could tell the story without my heart racing. Nope – all seems A-OK in the mental front.

The same happened when I came home. I remember going to dinner with one girlfriend and telling her the whole thing. She encouraged me to document this, to get it all down and commit it to my blog (Thanks DN!) She even said how some of it sounds so far-fetched, how could it be real? She was laughing at parts, I was laughing, but you know what? Honestly? On some level it was an out-of-body experience (red flag I ignored). I remember sitting in that restaurant feeling numb. As if the experience wasn’t even mine and somehow I became the Story Teller of a Tall Tale.

Remember that was still early November.

Thanksgiving comes and goes. I was dreading the holidays and “all” the work that has to get done (decorating, shopping, baking, merriment, etc etc etc) I just had this overwhelming heaviness. Which honestly isn’t that much different than a normal holiday for me, this one was more extreme.

Then my birthday came. I love my birthday. I love acting like a Princess and being showered with love and gifts. This year – I had no interest whatsoever. Norman and I tend to pick a “gift” or “experience” as a present to each other. This year I wanted an experience. But I couldn’t say what that was. I was dragging my feet. Norman wanted to make reservations and plans and baby sitters. I just couldn’t make up my mind, I felt paralyzed. Eventually I decided on a restaurant and plans were locked. I enjoyed the meal and time with Norman. I still felt a sense of emptiness.

Christmas was even more difficult. I barely got presents purchased and under the tree. I got to the shipping store by the skin of my teeth for items to arrive for Christmas to relatives out of state. I remember one afternoon looking up at the mantle which gets covered in decorations and picture frames and just wanting to shove it all off onto the floor. Erasing any visual of the holiday or what should be a happy time. I didn’t care what was destroyed – the thought of the destruction made me feel a little better, like I was taping into my anger.

My “New Year’s Cards” were mailed in late-February. I honestly still have 4 gifts in my extra room that haven’t been sent. It’s now mid-March, what do I do with that?! I hid a lot of my depression in auction planning. It was easy to explain away the stress that way.

I had two intense therapy sessions and talked through how this wasn’t a natural or expected occurrence. I was laughingly referring to it as my “PTSD moment”. I then was provided with a different perspective that I am not “disordered”, I am a normal human being processing an incredibly stressful and scary situation. I needed to deal with the reality of what I went through. That feeling scared would be natural. That beating myself up for surrendering my passport – well – I just had to let that go. What was I expected to do? Resist and create a whole other situation? I got the passport back, I’m home and safe and amongst people that love me. I should not be living in the past. So why is it so hard for me to let go?

It is interesting now that the auction is over. I’ve started exploring parts of my life I’ve been missing for the last 2 months. Coming back to this post and updating it with what has been happening or what I’ve been feeling has helped me realized I stuffed this down and ignored it since January. A friend asked me two weeks ago what my next Thing was once the auction was over. After a brief pause and thought of Nothing! I answered training for the Rock & Roll Half I’m doing in June and putting more focus in the next steps of my career. As I’m writing this, I think I also need to add some space for working through my trip. Figuring out how to forgive myself. Allowing a whole lot of Grace around me as I go through it.

This made a whole lot more sense when I started this post in January, it is the quote from that month:

May every

Sunrise

hold more

Promise,

and every

Sunset

hold more

Peace.

–Blessing–

Perhaps I should tape that on my wall, mirror, desk and dashboard. A constant reminder that things can only get better.

I just need to get out of my own way.

It’s been quite the year so far. If you see me regularly, you have probably heard me say “After the auction” way too frequently. Our PTA Fundraising auction is next Friday night.  Let’s just say it’s been a journey and leave it at that.

There are two posts I want to come back to at some point.

When I can breathe.

After the auction.

Today, I flipped my calendar. That Universe! That funny, quirky, knows-exactly-what-I-need universe that serves up the right message at the right time. Excuse me. That I attract to me…

Relax. Breathe in deep.

Hold it. Let it out.

Loosen your shoulders.

Smile. Close your eyes.

You’ll be surprised at

how many voices you’ll

hear, whispering sweet

encouragement into

your ear.

–Mike Dooley

I am so tightly wound these days I am nearly crying when I close my eyes. Norman is on a project that has him traveling weekly. That is a different kind of crazy for everyone living in the house.

The Kidlet is growing in ways that make my heart melt and my anxiety flare. She has told me a few times how she is almost a “tween”, given me Glam lessons and has started wearing clip on earrings since I refuse to let her pierce hers until she can ride her damn bike! Or turn 10. She is as stubborn as I am. So I guess I know what her 10th birthday present will be (she’s 8 now).

Kate-the-cat has been having some health issues and it’s stressing us all out. She goes back to the vet tomorrow and we are hoping for good news.

In the meantime, I’m going to shut down my computer now. Get in the car, go to a Y-family event, maybe some more work and then sleep.  Tomorrow I see my trainer, have a board meeting, taking the day off from my Paid Job to spend the day on my Volunteer Job.

I should find a few options to breathe deep and close my eyes.

And then keep doing it

Even After The Auction.

Damn! I didn’t do August, September or October monthly quote?!  What the hell have I been doing?  Oh yeah – my job plus covering a backfill, planning a PTA fundraising auction, traveling to Europe and Asia (more to come on that later) and being sick for 4 weeks straight.  All that can slow a girl’s blog down huh?

So! November quote….

peace.

it does not mean to be in a place

where there is no noise, trouble

or hard work. it means to be in

the midst of those things and still

be calm in your heart.

(unknown)

OK – talk about the universe speaking to me… I honestly had not really read the quote and absorbed it until right now when I typed it out.  After having written that first paragraph. Guess I’m not much at peace these days.

And honestly, no, I am not at peace. Last weekend I put up the holiday decorations. We typically do the tree closer to my birthday. It actually depressed me to put everything out. I have not had that experience before. Norman has been asking about What I want to do on my birthday and I’m avoiding the topic. Which is also unlike me since it is the one time a year I really honestly act like a Princess, eat at least two cupcakes on my birthday and not feel guilty about it.

So – gotta get out of my funk so I can enjoy the coming weeks. Tomorrow is December, let’s see what the monthly quote is then – perhaps – inspiration!

It’s been quite a while.  Quite!  I was thinking a few weeks ago (yes, that long) that I haven’t been keeping up with the new year’s resolutions.  Is this really news?  I supposed not, but this year I wanted to get back to writing notes, on all the stationary collecting in my desk.  I think the hand written letters are an art form that needs to be kept up in the world.  It meant so much to me growing up to have a pen pal.  So exciting to get notes with pictures or little tokens of love and friendship.  Recently, a college friend from Jersey was looking for a pen pal for her daughter.  I got her connected with someone out here is Washington.  I truly  hope the girls become friends and have that same love of letter writing and quirky local fare to send to each other. 

Live by

the Trinity

of what

is True,

Good, and

Beautiful

Alexandra Stoddard

It’s been a trying 2 weeks for me.  My ass has been kicked around by multiple illnesses.  Last week I had a fever for two days, slept most of that off.  A sore throat that turned out to be strep.  Another little health scare that has turned out to not be as serious as I had thought.  And now I have a head cold.  Frick.  Of course, going to 3 concerts this past week has not helped in my healing.  I think it’s why I have a head cold right now.

It certainly is a reminder to take care of myself.  More than working out or eating right.  I need to figure out how to not be so stressed out most of the time, or perhaps the more accurate way to describe it is not to be so forward focused on what needs to get done.  I haven’t been a manager for 5 1/2 years since I left my old job.  Learning to delegate was one of the more challenging aspects for me.  I’m not really in a role to delegate – but I’m not talking about work, I’m talking about home.

Mostly for the kid.  A few weeks ago she and I cleaned her room.  There was an expectation that she keep it up, within reason, as we promised to update her room.  The baby colors and artwork has served its purpose.  Now she is 8 and ready to move into her tween phase (goddess help us!).  She got a new stereo this week, a real one with actual speakers and docking station for her iTouch.  When it was set up this week I got all nostalgic for my first stereo.  Music has played such an important part of my life, although she won’t be laying on the floor looking at the LP sleeve and learning all the lyrics – it has been great to watch her this past week steal away to her room at night and listen to all sorts of music.  Norman gave her some Bowie, although I haven’t heard that coming out of the speakers yet.  I have heard Storm Large and a mix-CD she got at a birthday party 2 years ago.  And last night – she asked me for Black Eyed Peas!!  There is hope for her yet!  Granted, not sure the Peas are 8-yr old appropriate, but we are getting somewhere.

Anyway – my point is – as parents we need to be better about holding her to household chores.  Like – my goodness put your clean clothes away on Sunday!  Not Friday!  And put them away properly please, don’t just shove them in a drawer.  Oh, and make your bed, empty the dishwasher, feed the cat and water the plants.  That is not too much to ask of an 8-yr old.

I’ve been beating myself up about slacking on that, that I need to be better to hold her accountable.  She’s starting 3rd grade in the fall and needs to start contributing.  Some girlfriends and I were talking recently that kids don’t seem to be as afraid of their parents as when we grew up.  I don’t mean in an abusive way.  I mean that if we didn’t behave or do what expected – that there are consequences.  Like being grounded or TV taken away (in today’s world is that grounded, no Xbox or cell phones?!)  The one that got me every single time was having my stereo taken away.  If my offense was serious enough, I would lose my stereo for a week.  It killed me, I really got the point of what I had done wrong.  I learned my lesson.  I tried to do better.  I need to find that kind of meaningful thing for A – what is going to help teach the lesson so she tries to do better the next time.

I think, to start, we should make a chore chart this weekend.  And a promise statement about what is expected in the house, and any consequences if not upheld.  Yep…think I should go talk to Norman about that…

So – here’s to healing and taking the next steps for positive mental health!

Keep your eyes on the stars and keep you feet on the ground

Teddy Roosevelt

First of all – little known Jen fact – when I was a kid Teddy Roosevelt was my favorite president.  One time while visiting relatives we visited his home and I just became obsessed.  I (once) knew a lot of things about his life and time as president, sadly those facts don’t live in my brain anymore.

Anyway – Hi! Back from Italy for 3 days now and the jet lag is somewhat OK.  About 30 minutes ago I hit my wall.  Which includes a throbbing headache and lack of focus.  I am able to function in some level of awake-ness from 6am – 9pm, with intermittent brain lapses, irritability and strong desire to put my head down.  I’ll get there, and honestly it isn’t too bad…I’ll just complain about it today.

So – this month’s quote – feels rather apropos given the vacation and time in Italy.  We all talked about incorporating some of the Cortona/Italian life style back into our lives with kids and jobs and responsibilities.  I need to spend some time and figure out what that means for me.  Aside from finding the perfect local cappuccino that could stand up to Café Signorelli!

Items that won’t work on a daily basis:

  1. Sleeping until 9am
  2. Hour long morning coffee in the sun outside at a café
  3. Early afternoon naps
  4. The level of wine consumption we had in Italy (although some of that crew may challenge me on this)
  5. Afternoon gelati runs

Items that could work on a daily basis:

  1. Being outside!  Hiking, walking, exploring new places or favorite haunts
  2. Time in a comfy chair with coffee and a favorite CD for 10-15 minutes to start the day
  3. More frequent connection with friends
  4. Shopping at local farmer’s markets and eating the freshest produce possible
  5. Reading, for more than 10 minutes and from a book not a magazine
  6. Playing Uno
  7. Taking up a craft/DIY/hobby that will charge my batteries
  8. …more TBD….

Hm, pretty good list for possible options, will need to spend more time thinking that through.  So far today I’ve…

  1. Attempted to find the perfect cappuccino
  2. Spent time outside, like a whole 90 minutes!
  3. ah, rest of day is TBD

Ciao!

Yes, yes…it has been way too long.  I have a list in my head, somewhere between Girl Scout cookie incentives, kidlet’s birthday plans (she wants us to “surprise” her with a gift!) and Italy vaca plans….is a list.

slow
down
calm
down
don’t
worry
don’t
hurry
trust the
process

Alexandria Stoddard

You know what my first thought is?  Fuck the process!  Who has time to allow the process to happen.  Don’t you all see my To-Do list?  This April is one of the busiest months that I can even remember.  We have plans for every Friday and Saturday the whole month, plus two races, three birthday celebrations, non-profit work, etc. etc. don’t you love to hear me whine?!

I’ve been spending a lot of time with my therapist talking about BEing, not DOing.  DOing is my comfort place.  I’m like a shark, if I stop moving I’ll die.  I get so exasperated with Norman on the weekends (sorry babe) when he wants to know “the plan” and the last thing I want to do is create “the plan”.  I’d much rather let the universe lead me.  It often leads me to some in-depth house project that Norman gets (sometimes) frustrated since I hadn’t planned it, or it’s interfering with other plans.

(That was a whole lot of DOing right there)

So back to the BEing.  Recently I put two, 30 minute slots on my calendar at lunch time.  I don’t schedule over it and I force myself to step away from the desk.  It’s so easy to just sit here and eat and catch up on mail.  That does not allow for a break.  Walking away to the lounge with a book, closer to BEing.

I’m not even sure where I’m going with this.  My head is telling me to just DO and in May, when we are on vacation, I can BE.  I’ve been putting this off since November, there is no better time than Now. If I keep putting it off, where is my lesson?  How do I change that behavior and stop being a shark.  I don’t want to be a shark. 

Somewhere, somehow, I need more practice at unplugging and enjoying the life around me a little bit more.  This time around, I’ll try The Process instead of resisting it.  OK, not try, there is no try…(Yoda anyone?)

Does doing this February 1st still count?  I never got around to doing one for 2009 – January became February, then March and then who the hell am I kidding it won’t get done?!  There is one for 2008.  I did one for 2007 and 2006 but now I don’t know where that blog is – hahaha.  So here it is, late, but DONE!

1. What did you do in 2010 that you’d never done before?
I had my first visit to Asia, I traveled to Hong Kong (on business).  Incorporated “running” into my regular exercise routine. Volunteered to co-chair my daughter’s 2012 auction (with Norman)

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
In a very one-tenth-assed kind of way – I made more progress on organization in 2010 than any other year prior to that.  This year I’m planning to (1) send 2 hand-written notes a month to friends in far off places (truth be told I’ve already missed January), (2) took on the “pay it forward” Facebook challenge so 5 lucky people will receive handmade gifts from me before the end of the year and (3) still do some work on that organizing thing

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
My brother and SIL – my 3rd nephew, a few girlfriends around and out of town

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Oh boy – if there was I cannot remember it

5. What countries did you visit?
Hong Kong – wow – didn’t even make it to Canada last year!

6. What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010?
Sacred time, more community

7. What dates from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
April 2010 – visited new nephews (and in-laws) in Florida
April 25th – A’s 7th birthday
May 11th – my 8th wedding anniversary
July 25th – app release to support my project, it was ALL about the “July Release”
August 27th – when my phase of the project launched and I could take some needed time off
November 3rd – my incredibly short trip to Hong Kong
December 10th – the day I (gulp) turned 40!!

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
It was a very work-intensive year, it was somewhat short-lived, planned for, family alerted and still – felt like the most monumental thing I did in 2010.  And that kinda makes me sad….

9. What was your biggest failure?
See above!

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Nothing significant – usual colds and such

11. What was the best thing you bought?
40th birthday bracelet

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
My family. My husband continues to be great support when I can be a royal bitch. My kid has a heart of gold, even when she pushed every possible boundary known to a parent!

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
I’m pretty fortunate in the friend & family department

14. Where did most of your money go?
The usual – mortgage, childcare, good food, good wine, chocolate

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
My brother and family moved to Washington!  Yay – family close by!!

16. What song (I’m saying artists) will always remind you of 2010?
Sarah McLachlan, Mumford & Sons, Seeing Swell Season live just before they broke up, The Decemberists, 80s mix (given the 80s themed birthday party)

17. Compared to this time last year, are you: a) happier or sadder? b) thinner or fatter? c) richer or poorer?
Mostly happier, thinner, about the same – it’s all good!

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Find a way to focus, so I’m not wasting time – like, what are my high producing periods?

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Being inside during the summer, when that’s the time of year to be outside in this part of the country

20. How did you spend Christmas?
Home with kidlet and husband.  My SIL, niece & nephew came for brunch since my brother was working.  Pretty mellow day.

21. Did you fall in love in 2010?
Yes

22. What was your favorite TV program?
Bones, Glee, True Blood, Weeds, 30 Rock, Hoarders

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
That is such an ugly thought, I don’t really hate people.  I may not like to be around them at times, but hate….

24. What was the best book you read?
The Passage by Justin Cronin – and beginning the Millennium series (which is bleeding over to 2011)

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?
The Decemberists (although this may have been in 2009)
Sugarland (at Lilith Fair)

26. What did you want and get?
See #11

27. What did you want and not get?
Kindle?  iPad?  Is that shallow?  How about time for myself and family

28. What was your favorite film of this year?
Harry Potter, Black Swan, Easy A, Whip It, A Single Man – there are Oscar nominated I haven’t seen yet that could make the list too….

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
On my actual birthday I took the day off of work.  Went to the gym, had lunch with Norman and then went shopping with my SIL.  Had dinner with the family and cupcakes.  It was a pretty stellar birthday

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Memories of being in warm weather – like, my week in Florida was fabulous!

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010?
Chic comfort, with killer heels and accessories

32. What kept you sane?
Music. And absolute quiet.  And being alone in my house (once in a while).

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Colin Firth – did you see him in A Single Man?

34. What political issue stirred you the most?
All those election commercials and mailers – I am NOT interested in your slam campaigns and taking over so much time on the airwaves and mail waste.  It’s disgusting and distracting and just let the voters do their job to read up and make their own decision. Realizing that not all voters actually take that initiative and sometimes use those commercials to make choices – which is a whole other problem in this country!

35. Who did you miss?
Hm….did I miss anyone?  Besides family that live a plane ride away?

36. Who was the best new person you met?
New book club gals

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010.
No matter how much therapy you have done in the past, there is always room for more.  Sometimes repeating conversations and shit I thought I had already learned and moved past.  It’s a process…

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

Sarah McLachlan – Rivers of Love

There’s a tunnel that leads to the rivers of love
The sides make you bleed ‘til your white as a dove
Don’t bother to bring all the baggage you cling to
The porter will free you before you come through
The doorway that cleanses the darkness that mends
It’s easy to smile in the end…

And it all comes down to leaving it all behind and moving on
To the rivers of love
And never be lonely again
How long have you waited? How long ‘til you drown?

The rules and directions the twists and corrections
Take tolls on the highs we still strive ‘til we die
To seek out the one love-the one that we dream of
The one may be there with you everyday
Alone and untethered and free of all ties
Free since the day you first cried

And it all comes down to leaving it all behind and moving on
To the rivers of love
And never be lonely again
How long have you waited? How long ‘til you drown?
How long have you waited? How long ‘til you drown?

I didn’t do my August Quote last month.  Work was hell.  A hell I was expecting and mostly prepared for – but still hell.  It’s now the 7th of September and I’m still reeling.  Friday, 8/27 was a critical milestone.  It was like I was working and living on a stealth aircraft at full tilt – and then whiplash back to the maximum speed of a Prius.  I took a few days off, somewhat recouped my mental and physical abilities, got A off to her first day of 2nd grade.  Just had a nice long weekend where I spent most of it at Bumbershoot.  Now I’m back in the office and having trouble getting into motion.  But first! The quote:

Let your

light shine.

Be a source

of strength

and courage.

Share your

wisdom.

Radiate love

- Wilferd Peterson

Yeah.  That does nothing for me right now.  Just not where I am in my life.

During my few days off, before school started, A had a play date with a friend.  I had the complete conflict of Getting Stuff Done versus Relaxing.  As difficult as it was for me to let go – I decided to ignore my To Do List.  I attempted some White Space for the afternoon.  The first block of hours I had in quite awhile.  I sat “still” for 10 minutes (fidgeting, twirling my hair, looking around the room, etc.)  I couldn’t do it.  My mind was also racing, and trying to calm down, to listen to what I wanted to do with my block of time.  Do I read my book, listen to music?  Movie?  The weather was nice enough to sit outside for awhile.  I ended up grabbing a DVD I got for Christmas and hadn’t watched – Rent filmed live on Broadway.  This is one of my favorite musicals ever.  I got totally absorbed, lost track of time, laughed, cried, cried some more.  Still not completely absorbed as I obsessed about the time and having to pick up A from her play date.  So in sum – it was kinda relaxing, for a girl that doesn’t do it well.  I need to practice that more.  Seriously, the fidgeting and racing mind are not helping my stress levels.  A starts back at Hebrew school this Sunday (which means I get my Sunday afternoon’s alone back).

We’ll see how this goes. 

OK – I know what you are thinking, April to July?  What happened to May and June?  Well, May was this really long Whitman prose that I didn’t feel like retyping.  I had intended to take a picture instead – huh, then its June.  And June?  I just didn’t do it, no excuses, no apologies, I just didn’t do it.

Welcome July!

You are made of stars!
(Serbian Proverb)

Hm.  Stars.  Really?  I don’t feel like a Star.  At least in how I would define a Star.  I don’t mean celebrity either.  Heroes?  Sure.  Outstanding Citizens and Acts of Kindness?  You betcha.  Me?  OK – if i think about it, I can get on board.  I like to think I shine, no, believe I shine.  I have a tendency to shine in one area of my life at a time.  I’m not good at equal-opportunity stardom.  I’m also realistic, I have no desire to be a Star as a mom, wife, friend, employee, etc etc all at the same time.  My gawd I would be dead!  It would be good to practice being a Star at more than one at any given time.

So let’s think about this.  Where am I a Star today?

Today, July 1st, I would have to say I’m being a Star at friendship and self-nurturing.  I’d like to think I’m borderline Star Wife.  I don’t feel like a Star Mom recently.  Hm.  Interesting.

So where do I want to go with that?  I’d like to dial up the Mom and Wife – perhaps tone down the Friend just a tad, and maintain self-nurturing.  And what did I do right there?  Convinced myself to even out and be a Star across the board.  Huh – funny.

This weekend is pretty Jen-focused.  Having drinks with a Friend on Friday, going to Lilith Fair with more Friends on Saturday, hanging out with Friends on the 4th.  That Mom & Wife thing – well, tomorrow I’m taking the day off to be with A.  Hm – lacking in the Wife there.  How about I send the kid to a friend’s house on Monday so Norman and I can be together.  Sounds like a plan!  Let’s see, how do I make that happen?

Yep – I’m made of Stars – and this weekend I’d like to shine brightly!

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