mental health

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August 3, 2011

Cranky Ass Cranky Pants

Posted by jenniferlg under mental health, work
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I really like my job. I say that with honesty and some level of humbleness having never thought I would *ever* say I really liked my job, maybe even love it some days. I am fortunate to work with some really fantastic people on an exciting project that is pushing my boundaries and comfort zone in more ways than possible. Or so it feels most days. I’ve grown a lot over the last year. Made some mistakes with huge learning opportunity. Made some good relationships and set myself up for success on many levels in my organization and maybe even out of it one day.

The past few weeks have been very trying. I am pushed up against every motivation and belief of success. I feel like I’m fighting that stereo-typical up-hill battle on a 90-degree incline. Two weeks ago I was so frustrated I just had to laugh, I couldn’t let it get to me, how productive would that have been? Last week I was tired and going through the motions, but not going through the motions since there was a lot to get done and some significant blocks in the way.  This week….well this week….I’m just cranky!

I have that feeling that I remember so many years in my career. That poisonous feeling of resentment and frustration and hopelessness. Reaching the final edge of burn-out, but don’t see the light since this piece of work is going to carry into October. Gawd! October? I’m not done enjoying my summer!

I’ve come up with some sayings and stress release that help put a smile back on my face. It really is significant how laughing at it all can help reduce my stress level. Even better when I have people to share it with, and we can all laugh about it.  I think about some of the challenges in the past few weeks and have already identified some potential opportunities to change it next time.

Yep – I think tomorrow I need to add some new tasks to my white board. And spend some time each and every day on them to keep sight on why I like my job and right now, this week and maybe through next month – I’m just going through some shit that just has to happen. It will all be OK, we will get there, we always do!

(OK – I did just gag a little bit thinking I sounded like a cheerleader, which I do not associate with in any form!)

So then on to the next opportunity!
and a pedicure tomorrow, that should help, relaxation….yep….that should help too…

 

August 1, 2011

Heart at Risk

Posted by jenniferlg under mental health, music
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I’ve been a fan of Mike Doughty for awhile now. All the way back to Soul Coughing days.  I love to see him live at any opportunity, he puts on a really great performance.  I even have 2 signed CDs and met him in person (star struck eyed and all).  Today I was listening to Busking on the ride in and 40 Grand in the Hole was on.  This verse struck me so much that I rewound it 5 or 6 times to listen again:

When will I hear the click?

When will I know that it is time to split?

What is the use of it?

What is my life without the heart at risk?

It really was that last line. Putting my heart at risk. As those very close to me will tell you, I don’t do that. There is a wall that very, very few people get through. My dear husband included…

I have a history of being too trusting and having it come back to bite me. Or have people leave me because they don’t agree with my decisions. Those are people that probably shouldn’t be in my life anyway. I need to succeed or fail on my own. I should be able to ask my friends to support me either way. Everything is a learning opportunity.

Recently I’ve been talking about that in therapy. What am I protecting by not being totally honest with those I hold so dear? Sure, there are the obvious ones like judgment, rejection, or hits to my self-worth. It takes a lot to shock me or send me sideways when someone opens up to me, so why do I allow myself to live by different rules? ugh! (I can hear my therapist’s voice in my head right now….)

I’ve been experimenting in the last few months. Sharing a bit more with those that are closer to the wall. No one has stoned me yet. Although I still fear the reaction.

Baby steps I suppose…

 

September 7, 2010

September Quote

Posted by jenniferlg under mental health, monthly quote, work
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I didn’t do my August Quote last month.  Work was hell.  A hell I was expecting and mostly prepared for – but still hell.  It’s now the 7th of September and I’m still reeling.  Friday, 8/27 was a critical milestone.  It was like I was working and living on a stealth aircraft at full tilt – and then whiplash back to the maximum speed of a Prius.  I took a few days off, somewhat recouped my mental and physical abilities, got A off to her first day of 2nd grade.  Just had a nice long weekend where I spent most of it at Bumbershoot.  Now I’m back in the office and having trouble getting into motion.  But first! The quote:

Let your

light shine.

Be a source

of strength

and courage.

Share your

wisdom.

Radiate love

- Wilferd Peterson

Yeah.  That does nothing for me right now.  Just not where I am in my life.

During my few days off, before school started, A had a play date with a friend.  I had the complete conflict of Getting Stuff Done versus Relaxing.  As difficult as it was for me to let go – I decided to ignore my To Do List.  I attempted some White Space for the afternoon.  The first block of hours I had in quite awhile.  I sat “still” for 10 minutes (fidgeting, twirling my hair, looking around the room, etc.)  I couldn’t do it.  My mind was also racing, and trying to calm down, to listen to what I wanted to do with my block of time.  Do I read my book, listen to music?  Movie?  The weather was nice enough to sit outside for awhile.  I ended up grabbing a DVD I got for Christmas and hadn’t watched – Rent filmed live on Broadway.  This is one of my favorite musicals ever.  I got totally absorbed, lost track of time, laughed, cried, cried some more.  Still not completely absorbed as I obsessed about the time and having to pick up A from her play date.  So in sum – it was kinda relaxing, for a girl that doesn’t do it well.  I need to practice that more.  Seriously, the fidgeting and racing mind are not helping my stress levels.  A starts back at Hebrew school this Sunday (which means I get my Sunday afternoon’s alone back).

We’ll see how this goes. 

 

July 31, 2010

Law of Illusion

Posted by jenniferlg under mental health, wellness
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I wrote earlier this month about Lilith Fair.  Since then I have been spending a lot of time, mostly in the car, listening to Sarah McLachlan’s latest CD – Law of Illusion. 

This is a pretty intense CD.  For those of you unfamiliar over the last few years she has broken up with her husband.  From what I gather, he cheated on her.  Ouch.  One of her gifts as a lyricist and musician is to really put it all out there, some of the most honest, raw emotion I have encountered.  This disc is no exception.  I can feel the pain and recovery of her experience.  There are 3 songs in particular that really resonate with me.  NOT my current situation – but the kind you can relate to some part of your life.  If you have had any relationship – romantic, friend, family, etc.  All three get me choked up when I listen to them.

Awakenings is the first song on the album.  The story of meeting, falling in love, working hard, being hurt and finally walking away.  Holy shit who hasn’t been here?!  Although – I can honestly say I don’t have many experiences of this in my past.  I tended to be the one in the relationship that walked away when things moved out of the Infatuation stage and got real.  I’ve really only had 3 serious relationships with men.  Just 2 of them I would consider my equal (i.e. – educated, focused, goal-oriented, and – oh yeah – EMPLOYED!!)  Now married to one of them.  The first really bad break-up I had was the first of 3 - I thought I was in love.  It was the first time I really felt that feeling with someone.  I found out he was cheating, he said he couldn’t be tied down, like a butterfly.  WTF?!  A butterfly???  HOW did I ever see anything in this guy?  Ever?!  The bad part was I felt so strongly for him – that when I found out what was going on, and dumped all his stuff by the entrance to my apartment building – I spent 2 days in bed crying.  Calling every single girlfriend I knew sobbing.  I got over it.  I would still beat myself up with the how did I ever allow that to happen?  The lyrics in this song that crack me over the head every time -

I’m not the girl I was but what have I become?
I’m not so willing any more to bend
Still pleasing and conceding
but I’m not gonna lose myself again

Not going to lose myself again – that’s for fucking sure!

My second favorite is Forgiveness – which isn’t really about forgiving – but the Hell No you are not off the hook!  The deception of love and attention and caring that isn’t really there.  This is kinda the slow, ballad-like version of I Will Survive or Single Ladies.  My favorite verse -

You ask for forgiveness
you’re asking too much
I have sheltered my heart in a place you can’t touch
I don’t believe when you tell me your love is real
‘Cause you don’t know much about heaven boy
if you have to hurt to feel

I’m really good about sheltering my heart.  With everyone.  I’m either way too trusting too early or hold back too long.  It’s still hard for me to be completely honest and “naked” with close people in my life.  My husband and a handful of girlfriends come to mind.  It chokes me up just writing this.  Damn those abandonment issues!

I’ve been listening to those 2 songs on repeat multiple times nearly every day.  Although neither of those scenarios is a part of my life right now – it feels healing to my past to experience the emotion pain.

The last song, I’ve really only picked up in the last 2 weeks.  So you wake up, you walk away, leave the baggage behind (or try to)…what’s next?  Self forgiveness, compassion, healing and moving on.  To the place you are ready to let someone back into your heart.  Rivers of Love – and it is a choice.  To either wallow in self-pity and be stuck in life and love.   Or to let go.  I have images of chains breaking away, pressure removed from my heart, and the kinds of tears that release those last bits of sadness, fear and loathing.  This is the whole song -

There’s a tunnel that leads to the rivers of love
The sides make you bleed ‘til your white as a dove
Don’t bother to bring all the baggage you cling to
The porter will free you before you come through
The doorway that cleanses the darkness that mends
It’s easy to smile in the end…

And it all comes down to leaving it all behind and moving on
To the rivers of love
And never be lonely again
How long have you waited? How long ‘til you drown?

The rules and directions the twists and corrections
Take tolls on the highs we still strive ‘til we die
To seek out the one love-the one that we dream of
The one may be there with you everyday
Alone and untethered and free of all ties
Free since the day you first cried

And it all comes down to leaving it all behind and moving on
To the rivers of love
And never be lonely again
How long have you waited? How long ‘til you drown?
How long have you waited? How long ‘til you drown?

The song feels so freeing.  At the same time there is that sting, the reminder, that if you don’t choose to move on – your fate is inevitable.  The power of choice is in your own hands.

These 3 songs will be added to my list of poignant Sarah McLachlan songs of all times.  Maybe one day I’ll tell you all about Angel.

 

July 9, 2010

Size DOES matter, but it really shouldn’t

Posted by jenniferlg under fitness, mental health, wellness
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HSDC_Run_2010

That is a picture of me and my niece, V.  We were at the HSDC Fun Run two weeks ago.  Do you know what my first thought was when I saw this picture?  OMG I look so thin!  Seriously, first thought in my head.  I stared at that picture for a few minutes longer and it dawns on me. OMG I actually look like that – for reals!! 

As a refresher – I used to have an eating disorder.  I have many tools in my arsenal to combat the thoughts and desires to ever go back there again.  It happens.  I don’t know if it will ever be erased from my mind.  Regardless – I’m so far beyond that at this point in my life.  The body image stuff?  Yeah…not so much.

It’s been a journey.  There is so much I could share with you about my battle with my body.  The last few years have been interesting.  I’ve been working out with the same trainer for almost 3 years now.  LOVE her.  She has a gentle (militant) way of pushing me beyond my comfort zone to advance to the next step.  Shortly after I started working out with her, I told her I wanted Linda Hamilton Terminator arms. (side note – crickets, girlfriend is too young to get the reference)  How about Holly Hunter/Saving Grace? (almost there)  Once she visited the internets and knew what I was talking about she made it an obtainable goal.  I’ve always wanted nice, toned arms.  I’ve got ‘em now.  And I still want more.  How’s that for obsessive?

But the Jeans.  Ah the jeans…

I’ve had a love/hate relationship with denim in my life.  It has never fit quite right, too big in the waist, not big enough in the thighs – oh how I’ve hated shopping for jeans!  Two years ago Norman convinced me to walk into Nordstrom and have the friendly sales professional help me into a pair of premium denim.  That was a different journey all together.  That first pair sat in my closet for months waiting for me to wash and get them hemmed.  Months.  Finally done and really enjoying them, I decided to go get another pair.  The second were quite tighter than the first, I referred to them as my Skinny Sausage Jeans.  Cause if I was bloated there was no way they were getting on my body.  Sure, they always tell you the denim will stretch and form better to your body.  The Skinny Sausage Jeans took quite a while for that to happen.  Or perhaps – maybe – I had just lost some weight?

hmmmmm

Last fall I decided to get more jeans at Nordstrom because those first 2 pair were kinda loose.  Seems I had gone down a whole size from the first foray.  A size!  Seems that torturous hell-on-earth my trainer puts me through on a weekly basis has helped the tone of my muscles.  Then right after the holidays I was perusing the clearance sales to Martin & Osa (one of my favorite stores for T’s)  The clearance rack had jeans that after additional deductions would have been $19.  Wow!  $19 jeans?  I’ve never paid $19 for jeans.  Sure, yeah, I’ll try them on.  I took a deep breath and grabbed the size I know Nordstrom had fitted me with a few months before.  I pulled those on in the dressing room and you know what?  They fit like a dream.  I nearly started crying. 

All this body image stuff came flooding over me.  For years I have had a perception that I am not one of those girls that can shop off the racks for nice clothes.  My body was too fat, strange shape, too short, too tall, too expensive, looks cheap – I’ve done it all.  Then they are never the right fit, too loose, too tight, lays weird on my waist – I had every reason in the book.  There was a period in my life of long, flow-y dresses and skirts to hide my personal shame.  Or the men’s jeans.   Or dress slacks that were probably way too big for my body even though I felt good in them.  At those times in my life, I would not have been ready for a Stacy and Clinton intervention.

Anyway – I bought those jeans.  That day, I walked out of the store thinking, OMG all the time I have wasted obsessing about my body.  That a number on a pair of jeans and the fit on my body triggered some secret lock and key I wasn’t really aware of.  I wanted to write about it back then.  But I didn’t.  After all, it’s just so much easier to stuff it down and ignore. IGNORE! IGNORE! 

Isn’t perception the craziest thing? 

I’m not quite sure where I am going with this next.  Honestly started writing about my commit to Turn The Page and March Forward with positive intent.  OK – let’s be realistic here, I will commit to starting the process.  To begin with acknowledging my true image and what I love about my body.  Don’t try to boil the ocean Jen, at least not today.

One. Step. At. A. Time.

 

April 28, 2010

Thoughts on Glee

Posted by jenniferlg under feminist thoughts, fitness, mental health, think about this, wellness
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If you all aren’t watching Glee now – you should catch up soon because it is so fucking good!!

Anyhoo – today I’m watching, what I will call, The Body Image show (or Home as the writer’s termed it).  Mercedes is grappling with peer pressure and unrealistic expectations on image and acceptance.  Then you see Quinn, the bitch of all bitches early in the season, be the one reaching out to tell Mercedes one of the biggest lessons she’s had since she got pregnant – if she can adjust to do the right things to take care of her baby, why wouldn’t she do it for herself as well?

So what I wonder – who is getting these messages?  I honestly, truly hope that there are teens out there watching this and taking it in.  That maybe they will show up at school tomorrow and tell that bully to kiss off.  And I mean the girl bullies, the ones that cut you with their words not physical acts.  Perhaps watching the characters like Quinn transform and learn lessons in high school that some of us didn’t even figure out until after college?!  One of the things I love about this show are those stories, the examples of real-life lessons that most of us may not learn until later.  Can you imagine if an army of teens got it 15 years earlier than most?  Although it may be a detriment to the mental health community – the rewards far outweigh those risks.  How fucking powerful would the future turn out to be? 

I may not allow A to read the Twilight series – but I sure will sit her down to watch Glee when it’s time.  I don’t want to control my daughter.  I want to help her avoid those extra stupid mistakes I made along the way.  How much time, energy and money have I wasted on body image and all that’s wrapped up in those two little words.  It scares me, it really does.  Because a few weeks ago, she started asking me how much “fat” was in the food she was about to eat and how she doesn’t want to eat any “fat” and that’s not good for you and she likes that she’s thin.  She’s 7!!  I cannot tell her enough times it’s about smart choices and moderation and getting exercise – that a human body does need fat to survive and isn’t it so much better to eat olives or nuts or regular yogurt than some crap off the supermarket shelf that has multiples-more chemicals listed than actual food product?  I should have known this was coming early. I still want to cling onto the innocence of being 7 and in 1st grade and enjoying her life – not have to reeducate and battle on the “fat” or body image with her. 

Please just give me some more time with the innocence.  Please…

 

January 26, 2010

Little Annoyances. Maybe some not so little.

Posted by jenniferlg under children, mental health, parenting
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I was paging back through my posts from last January.  Today is the 25th of Jan 2010.  I didn’t write on Jan 25, 2009 last year.  The book ends on either side was an OCD post about children’s messy rooms and losing my mind.  um, memory.  Today I feel like I’m losing my mind.

I told someone recently that I want to let go of a few things in the house and not be all OCD.  I used the kitchen sink as an example.  Seeing dirty dishes, clean to be put away, or recycling – it makes me twitch. 

Yeah……  on second thought, that isn’t going to be the one. 

I’m really doing my best to let A have her room her way.  I’m really trying people, I really am.  She’s back to sleeping in her “tent” on the floor.  Her perfectly good twin bed is piled with clothes (clean and dirty), books and random papers.  It looks like her closet threw up all over the floor.  I am not kidding – the door is open and toys are spilling out onto the carpet.  She constantly loses one of a pair, the connector of whatever toys, 2 pieces of a puzzle.  She sometimes gets really upset about it, to which I respond if you put that thing away like I asked it wouldn’t be lost right now.  Oh – and the multiple glasses of water – OMG the water!  (by the way – I am aware I wrote about this before, it persists)

Part of my current anguish stems from New Year’s.  I went in her room about 9am.  Norman came by around 11:30 to ask what I was doing and now the whole agenda of the day had changed.  And you know what, I was barely through half of the cleaning I wanted to do!  I was able to trash a bunch of stuff that just needed to go.  A joined me at some point and was doing a good job of putting things where I directed her.  We were also able to select a nice sized bag of toys for charity.  She did poke around inquiring about missing stuff.  The only thing I dug out of the trash were a bazillion folded up mini post-it notes.  She went into explaining their purpose in her round-about 6 2/3 year old way.  Cannot tell you what it was, I stopped listening at some point.

I never got back into the room that day to complete my task.

Every time I enter the room now I resist with all my might to start putting things away.  Lost library books should not be my problem to fix.  Misplaced reading lights are not my responsibility.  Scratched CDs floating about the room is not my deal when they start skipping.  Water spills on dolls, blankets and paper with marker drawings are hers to clean up.

How am I doing?  Is this step big enough?  How long until someone is knocking at my door telling me it’s time to let go of another OCD “problem”?

 

p.s. – if anyone out there knows how to get an original drawing done with a Sharpie off of a wood dresser, please let me know.

 

January 20, 2010

Another side of social networking – Support in the rough times

Posted by jenniferlg under mental health, wellness
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Those people that follow blogs or tweet or facebook or any other form of social networking often find community.  Although I don’t identify myself as a Mommy Blogger – I am a Mom Who Blogs – there is comfort in reading others stories, struggles and victories.  A few months ago I wrote a gut-wrenching tale of my child pleading to die.  The out-pouring of support from friends and strangers alike was overwhelming.  It also made me realize there are limits in sharing online.  The mere thought of someone disagreeing with my parenting approach and throwing insults was also overwhelming.  I made a decision then that sharing that harrowing tale was cathartic.  But unsure if I would ever do it again.

Then in October I had surgery to remove a lump that no medical professional I consulted thought was cancer, but it’s always better to be safe than sorry.  Hm…that reminds me I need to schedule my follow-up ultra-sound.  Again, I decided to post about my experience.  This one was gentler.  I either got the message of “I cannot even imagine” or “I’ve been there, so happy to hear you are OK”.

Back to that social networking thing, I learned about a cancer community site that launched today – Navigating Cancer.  What I think is really cool is you can not only connect with others, it also allows you to track treatment and options.  Kinda like a WebMD or Mayo Clinic but honed in on just one topic.  Maybe another avenue for people to ease themselves into medical records online.  Its coming people, it’s just a matter of when.  I digress…the important thing for me is the source, a place to go where others can understand your struggles and your success.  A friend and I were talking today about how hard it is to be a parent.  You can explain it to non-parents until you are blue in the face, but they still aren’t going to get it.  It really is true you need to walk in someone else’s shoes to understand their pain, their triumphs, and their happiness.

I hope the social networking continues to grow in a positive manner.  Particularly if it stops alienation or misinformation and provides people with more understanding and grace for the rougher patches in life.

Good luck to Navigating Cancer. 

 

January 4, 2010

January Quote

Posted by jenniferlg under mental health, monthly quote
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January’s Quotable Calendar wisdom…

True happiness lies within you!

Og Mandino

Hoo Boy is that a loaded statement!  I’ll save my 2009 Thoughts for later, it will take more time and contemplation.  Let’s start here and not get frozen in “writers block”.

If you were to ask my husband, he may just say there is no happiness within me.  He constantly asks me if I’m happy and it drives me freaking nuts!  I’m not one of those people, nor will I ever be (or desire to be) one of those people.  Don’t get me wrong, I have no problem with cheery optimists.  Those people don’t get on my nerves.  (Unless of course I’m in a really pissy mood and just want to be angry thank you very much!)  In fact, those people are often pleasant to be around and can lift my spirits.

It’s not that I would mind being cheery optimist… hmmmm…

First of all, never in my life have I been one of those people.  39 years on this earth and you think I could just flip a switch on that one?!  I’m still riddled with Catholic guilt and I left the church 23 years ago (for those mathematic types, that means I’ve been out of the church longer than I was in it and I still have the guilt!)  Even if I made a concentrated and continuous effort to be one of those people, I’m still not going to be one of them.  Think of how much work and effort it would take to just get to that level.  It exhausts me thinking about it.

Then there’s the whole depression thing…thanks family genes!  Yes, I am medicated.  Yes, I’ve been medicated and gone off and back on again in my life – a few times actually.  I don’t think I know a depressed person that has achieved those people status.  It’s enough to be in life and enjoy the day and family and friends without adding cheer and sunshine on top of it.  Boy – that sounds pessimistic huh?  But seriously – if you have dealt with any level of depression you know that some days it’s all you can do to get out of bed in the morning and go to work and deal with people and eat normally and and and!  I’m not very good at masking myself on those days.  Thankfully, they don’t happen as often and I get past them a lot quicker than I ever did before.  Some people in my life are really good at masking, medicated or not.  I don’t know how they do it.  Honestly.  That must be so much work on top of the ands.

I’m content to be where I’m at.  That is usually how I respond to Norman.  He asks me if I’m happy and I say I’m content.  Then he says he wants me to be happy.  Well you know what?  I don’t want to be happy – I want to be content.  Yes, yes – it’s just words.  We each come to the table with our own dictionaries and just as hard to insert the other’s definition after so many years.  So maybe – just maybe – if I can keep from freaking out every time he asks me if I’m happy, then he can learn me being content is the desired goal. 

Maybe.  I’ll start today.

 

December 1, 2009

December Quote

Posted by jenniferlg under mental health, other
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December’s Quotable Calendar wisdom…

Live in the moment and make it so beautiful that it will be worth remembering!

Fanny Crosby

Last month I wrote about the women’s conference I attended and some new tools I wanted to implement.  Full disclosure here – not doing so well on that.  The times I have my White Space, I am really struggling to sit still long enough to hear what I really want to be doing in that time.  Maybe it’s because most of that time is Sunday afternoon’s while A is at religious school.  Sunday is laundry day, and many many other household chore day. Plus – I really like being alone in my house for 2.75 hours.  I’ve already made judgments about it, like I can’t “waste” the time watching a movie or reading.  I “should” be doing something really creative or supporting.  I get in my own way so often it’s tiring.

This past weekend I was in Jersey.  It was my 20-yr high school reunion.  I think.  The event page was taken off Facebook before the event happened.  Either way, I ended up not going.  But that decision wasn’t until after I had purchased my plane ticket.  A whirlwind tour of 12 hours traveling Friday.  Dinner & Fantastic Mr. Fox with my mom on Friday.  Lunch with a long-time friend Saturday, shopping, another get together with friends.  Sunday brunch at my Dad’s, walk around their downtown neighborhood, off to the airport to go home – i.e. another 12 hours of travel.  Yesterday I was jet lagged and feeling sick.  Stuffy head and tired.  Today, feeling better but not 100%.  I don’t like being sick during the holidays.  Ugh!

I’m also feeling a bit off because the holiday decorating in my home usually starts Thanksgiving weekend.  A and Norman started the gingerbread house this weekend.  But that’s it so far.  The tubs of decorations have not been pulled out.  The living and dining rooms aren’t in a state to put anything out anyway.  It’s only December 1st and already feeling behind the curve.  That includes my holiday gift/shopping plan.  Most things are already purchased – but still have a few more to finish up.  Hopefully this weekend we can spend some time at home working on decorations.  Maybe sneak out for some shopping time as well.

Lastly, my birthday is next week.  I’m taking Friday off and going to the spa.  Well, first having my ass kicked by my trainer.  Then lunch and a massage, facial and pedi.  That will be just fabulous.  And perhaps just what I need to get out of this stress-funk once and for all to really enjoy this holiday season.

So – what are you doing to stay grounded?

 

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