me


Hearing recent stories, seeing magazines and books about September 11th has many of us thinking about where we were 10 years ago. What images and feelings are burned into our minds. 

I recently read Dooce’s entry on her 9/11 memories. I found it powerful to share her experience and thoughts. As tragic and paralyzing the memories are for people – some more than others – I think it’s important to remember. We need to keep in touch with horror in the world to combat it – the Holocaust, the Sudan, or anywhere on the globe, any of the other numerous terrorist attacks that have happened. If it makes us that much more compassionate, helps us to teach our children to make different choices, impacts one other person’s world – I think as humans we should feel obligated to carry that through.

So here is my memory…

I remember being in our house in Woodinville getting ready for work.  It was any other typical morning that I’m trying to rush out the door to beat traffic and get in to my desk on time.  I came out of the bathroom and Norman is on the bed, staring at the TV. I remember thinking how odd, we don’t turn the TV on in the morning. I turn to face the television and see one of the towers being hit. I plopped onto the bed next to him stunned.  I thought, what is this? It cannot be real!

I sat on the bed with him a little bit longer. Watching the video, hearing a different kind of emotion from the reporters. The kind where professionalism is out the window and their real emotion and personalities show up. That is so very rare.

Eventually I got up, into my car and drove to work. I turned on NPR. I remember hearing Bob Edwards giving a moment by moment account of what was happening. I remember him choking out, sharing with all the listeners, that the 2nd tower was hit. I remember crying.

I remember arriving at the office and no one was working. It was terribly somber. We were together in a way that felt like a community trying to grasp the enormity of what was unfolding before us. Our VP left to go buy a TV. That was set up in an empty office and we all funneled in and out to watch as long as we could stand before returning to our desks. I wasn’t working at all. I was on my computer looking around news sites and absorbing every detail and update. I remember hitting the F5 key over and over and over and over and over…

I don’t remember when I left. Our VP sent us all home. There wasn’t any work being done. People certainly didn’t want to be at the office. I met Norman at home, being together and dealing with everything that was unfolding before us.  It was before we were married, a girlfriend of mine was pregnant. I wondered how could she cope with bringing a child into this kind of world?  How could I? How do you explain to a kid something like this?


Just even typing this out, my eyes are welling up. The other night at dinner my Dad and I were explaining 9/11 to A. She knows what it is, she doesn’t know the feeling, the experience of what happened that day. I told her there will be many TV shows on in memorial, and it will be a hard day for Mommy, Daddy and Papa to see any of it. I was telling my dad about Portraits of Resilience, which started at 8:46am ET. A asked if she could watch it. I was somewhere between stunned and understanding towards her request. I told her yes, that she can watch it. I also explained that it is a very sad story, and could be hard to watch, so we should talk about it. She should ask us any question she has. And to tell us if she needs to stop watching.

This morning A and I ran the Iron Girl 5k in Seattle. It was an event full of positive energy. Many mom/daughter teams (we were the Glisten Girls) and it was great to see Moms work with their girls, pushing them forward. I am so proud of A, she did so fabulous, beyond my expectations. It was a very happy morning.

We should continue to experience joy.

We need to bring community to those around us.

We should always remember.

Does doing this February 1st still count?  I never got around to doing one for 2009 – January became February, then March and then who the hell am I kidding it won’t get done?!  There is one for 2008.  I did one for 2007 and 2006 but now I don’t know where that blog is – hahaha.  So here it is, late, but DONE!

1. What did you do in 2010 that you’d never done before?
I had my first visit to Asia, I traveled to Hong Kong (on business).  Incorporated “running” into my regular exercise routine. Volunteered to co-chair my daughter’s 2012 auction (with Norman)

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
In a very one-tenth-assed kind of way – I made more progress on organization in 2010 than any other year prior to that.  This year I’m planning to (1) send 2 hand-written notes a month to friends in far off places (truth be told I’ve already missed January), (2) took on the “pay it forward” Facebook challenge so 5 lucky people will receive handmade gifts from me before the end of the year and (3) still do some work on that organizing thing

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
My brother and SIL – my 3rd nephew, a few girlfriends around and out of town

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Oh boy – if there was I cannot remember it

5. What countries did you visit?
Hong Kong – wow – didn’t even make it to Canada last year!

6. What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010?
Sacred time, more community

7. What dates from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
April 2010 – visited new nephews (and in-laws) in Florida
April 25th – A’s 7th birthday
May 11th – my 8th wedding anniversary
July 25th – app release to support my project, it was ALL about the “July Release”
August 27th – when my phase of the project launched and I could take some needed time off
November 3rd – my incredibly short trip to Hong Kong
December 10th – the day I (gulp) turned 40!!

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
It was a very work-intensive year, it was somewhat short-lived, planned for, family alerted and still – felt like the most monumental thing I did in 2010.  And that kinda makes me sad….

9. What was your biggest failure?
See above!

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Nothing significant – usual colds and such

11. What was the best thing you bought?
40th birthday bracelet

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
My family. My husband continues to be great support when I can be a royal bitch. My kid has a heart of gold, even when she pushed every possible boundary known to a parent!

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
I’m pretty fortunate in the friend & family department

14. Where did most of your money go?
The usual – mortgage, childcare, good food, good wine, chocolate

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
My brother and family moved to Washington!  Yay – family close by!!

16. What song (I’m saying artists) will always remind you of 2010?
Sarah McLachlan, Mumford & Sons, Seeing Swell Season live just before they broke up, The Decemberists, 80s mix (given the 80s themed birthday party)

17. Compared to this time last year, are you: a) happier or sadder? b) thinner or fatter? c) richer or poorer?
Mostly happier, thinner, about the same – it’s all good!

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Find a way to focus, so I’m not wasting time – like, what are my high producing periods?

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Being inside during the summer, when that’s the time of year to be outside in this part of the country

20. How did you spend Christmas?
Home with kidlet and husband.  My SIL, niece & nephew came for brunch since my brother was working.  Pretty mellow day.

21. Did you fall in love in 2010?
Yes

22. What was your favorite TV program?
Bones, Glee, True Blood, Weeds, 30 Rock, Hoarders

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
That is such an ugly thought, I don’t really hate people.  I may not like to be around them at times, but hate….

24. What was the best book you read?
The Passage by Justin Cronin – and beginning the Millennium series (which is bleeding over to 2011)

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?
The Decemberists (although this may have been in 2009)
Sugarland (at Lilith Fair)

26. What did you want and get?
See #11

27. What did you want and not get?
Kindle?  iPad?  Is that shallow?  How about time for myself and family

28. What was your favorite film of this year?
Harry Potter, Black Swan, Easy A, Whip It, A Single Man – there are Oscar nominated I haven’t seen yet that could make the list too….

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
On my actual birthday I took the day off of work.  Went to the gym, had lunch with Norman and then went shopping with my SIL.  Had dinner with the family and cupcakes.  It was a pretty stellar birthday

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Memories of being in warm weather – like, my week in Florida was fabulous!

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010?
Chic comfort, with killer heels and accessories

32. What kept you sane?
Music. And absolute quiet.  And being alone in my house (once in a while).

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Colin Firth – did you see him in A Single Man?

34. What political issue stirred you the most?
All those election commercials and mailers – I am NOT interested in your slam campaigns and taking over so much time on the airwaves and mail waste.  It’s disgusting and distracting and just let the voters do their job to read up and make their own decision. Realizing that not all voters actually take that initiative and sometimes use those commercials to make choices – which is a whole other problem in this country!

35. Who did you miss?
Hm….did I miss anyone?  Besides family that live a plane ride away?

36. Who was the best new person you met?
New book club gals

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010.
No matter how much therapy you have done in the past, there is always room for more.  Sometimes repeating conversations and shit I thought I had already learned and moved past.  It’s a process…

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

Sarah McLachlan – Rivers of Love

There’s a tunnel that leads to the rivers of love
The sides make you bleed ‘til your white as a dove
Don’t bother to bring all the baggage you cling to
The porter will free you before you come through
The doorway that cleanses the darkness that mends
It’s easy to smile in the end…

And it all comes down to leaving it all behind and moving on
To the rivers of love
And never be lonely again
How long have you waited? How long ‘til you drown?

The rules and directions the twists and corrections
Take tolls on the highs we still strive ‘til we die
To seek out the one love-the one that we dream of
The one may be there with you everyday
Alone and untethered and free of all ties
Free since the day you first cried

And it all comes down to leaving it all behind and moving on
To the rivers of love
And never be lonely again
How long have you waited? How long ‘til you drown?
How long have you waited? How long ‘til you drown?

So.  Norman is out of town.  A is at Sunday School.  I’m home alone in a quiet house thinking hard about what my “white space” time should be.  So far, the only appealing option is a bath.  And at the same time, I’m not really in the mood to get all hot and wrinkly and then get dressed to pick up the kidlet.  Maybe tonight.

I’m mentally walking through the house wondering what I could engage in.  No Xbox (since we got the red circle of death about an hour ago), no Wii, no movies, no TV, no cleaning up.  No cooking, no baking, no cook book reading, no cleaning up.  There isn’t anything to do in the dining room but eat or do work.  Lay on the couch and listen to music … maybe, but no cleaning up.  My office is a more organized disarray than last week, but no desire to sit in there for anything, no cleaning up.  So here I am in the bedroom writing a blog entry because I don’t want to sleep, read or clean up.

I have a lot of trouble sitting still to do nothing.  I can sit still.  As long as I’m engaged in some activity or brain function.  I’m not good at sitting still in silence.  But – who the hell would be?!  My mind races and my body feels guilty for not doing.  Doesn’t help that I feel lousy and doing my best to fight off a cold. 

My original plan was to go to the gym while A was at school.  Perhaps sit in the hot tub for as long as I could stand it.  Feeling crummy, didn’t see that as a wise move.  Not with holidays and pending trip back East. 

So I’m here.  At my writing desk.  Wondering what the hell to do.  I started writing this up thinking I could find the inspiration to fill up that white space.  My brain keeps coming back to laying on the bed.  Let’s see, I’ll try some reading, maybe an episode of Bones.  I do promise not to clean up.

Today marks 2 weeks from my surgery

A week ago I was 50 different shade of bruising.  Really sore.  Trying to get my head around the reality of my health, the continuing pain and soreness.  Let alone functioning like a human after a week of pain meds and recovery.  Lots to weigh on my mind.  Also had my follow up appointment to remove the stitches and have a final check up.  That went well, healing was going as it should.  New bandage, final recommendations.  Lastly, direction to have another ultrasound in 3-4 months to make sure it’s all gone.

Today, the bruising is mostly gone.  Still there and visible.  Even my kid is commenting about how I look better – but “still all bruisy mommy”.  Feeling better each day.  Working out again – even running!  It’s still weird.  Surreal. 

As I look in the mirror, inspect in my typical OCD fashion, I’m having a panic that something was missed.  It’s very likely the scar that is forming and will remain a “lump” to the touch.  There is that lingering fear that I’ll go into surgery again.  Perhaps I’m just too close to recent events to think rationally on it.  Maybe I should just shut down this computer, go to the grocery store, and have a glass of wine with dinner.

Maybe it’s just a wake up call to start regularly engaging in all those maintenance-type activities like flossing and nasal washes and vitamins.  More so – to chill the F-out!

600am

Today I recognized a pattern in my work life – and wondering what lesson I have in front of me.

My career has been a series of Fixing Stuff.  I come in to an absolute or near-disaster mess.  Spend about 18 months fixing it, and then move on. My last employer (the Evil One, but not the one you are expecting) was the first job I stayed at more than 2 years.  I was there for 6 – and had plenty of projects come across my desk that involved Fixing broken Stuff.

I’ve been at Microsoft for 3 1/2 years.  Holy cow the time that has gone by!  I spent my first 18 months working on a new HR system.  It wasn’t necessarily Fixing Stuff, but it was implementing new systems and new workflows to better align the review process.  It was a hard project, atypical to cut my teeth on (or so they tell me). 

The next 12 months I was on a different HR-related project.  This one was much better, not as painful.  Plus I had a vendor working with me that was totally on their game (side note – also lots of vendor experience in my past, the good ones are few and far between).  That said, there was an internal group I had to partner with.  It was painful.  It was grueling.  It was the same exact meeting in different presentation over and over and over and over and over for 12 freaking months!  Somewhere along the way, two key stakeholder coined the Groundhogs Day label.

If you are not familiar with the movie – Bill Murray plays a TV reporter that repeats the same exact day every day until the “spell” is broken.  He learns how to manipulate the day.  How to each ice cream sundaes every meal knowing it won’t impact him.  How to catch items doomed to fall and break.  Essentially, the SAME day over and over with with different presentation.

Ergo – my 2nd project at Microsoft.

Then I moved to a different org.  I’ve been here nearly 11 complete months.  Today – it hit me during a meeting that I am, again, living in Groundhogs Day.  Do you have any idea how freaking hard it is to get anything done?  How to move forward?  When people keep wanting to go back and revisit conversations and decisions every month?  It’s no wonder the state we are at with this project.  Who can move forward when we are repeating ourselves?

I took a personal/professional development class series shortly after I moved here.  A few themes from those classes keep popping up in front of me in this job.  Things like…

  • I attract to me that which occurs
  • I will repeat a lesson until it’s complete and then move on
  • How am I creating tangible, measurable results?  And if I’m not, what blockers are in my way (self-imposed or otherwise)

Something is right in front of me.  It could be as simple and tweaking a solitary dial.  It could be as challenging as a complete career assessment and redefining where I’m going to go next. 

One of my (frequent) coping mechanisms is to ignore what I don’t want to deal with.  Between Norman and my close friends, not much in my personal life escapes conversation.  It may take awhile to get there, but it happens.  Professionally?  I’ve been in auto-pilot mode for so long.  I’m one of those fortunate types that just falls into opportunities (or shall I say attracts them to me).  Question is – do I want to continue down this path?  Or is it time to shake things up and see what’s next.

Interesting questions for myself.  Particularly when yesterday 2 co-workers asked if I wanted to get together so we can each interview and brainstorm with each other to identify career paths.  Should be an interesting coffee talk this week.

Hope to provide an update on this at some future point.

I’ve noticed an interesting phenomenon as I delve more into social networking.  I’m by all accounts an introvert.  Not like I haven’t said that here a gazillion times before…anyway…  I write on this site that publishes to the internets.  I tweet.  I’m on facebook.  I’ve recently stepped out of my introverted-comfort zone to attend events like BowlHer and Ignite.  And believe me those in-person events can make me break out into a cold sweat!  These have been more on the “safe” side, no heart palpitations, no wilting flowers…actually putting myself out there, scars and all!  Making an effort to put my foot forward first, initiate a conversation, ask questions more than listen.  It can be exhausting by the end of the day.  I am getting a sense of satisfaction there so it must be doing something for me. (I can hear my husband cheering this realization as I type this)

Particularly in regards to Twitter – people that follow me, friends on facebook (where my tweets auto-publish) talk to me about how funny some of my comments are.  Or that they didn’t know that about me.  Or how brutally honest I am.  Or that I published a really interesting article.  Or a funny video. Or…Or…OR!

These are thoughts and feelings and experiences that I typically don’t share with anyone but close, close friends.  Most of those people on Twitter following me or facebook “friends” aren’t the close ones.  I haven’t seen or talked to them since High School, only share snarky comments about work or news or politics, share useless facebook quiz results and Remember When stories…  Some of them are even complete strangers! 

They know more about me than I would otherwise share until doors are willingly opened to come inside my walls.  Layer by layer.  Over time.

This bothered me for all of 10 seconds. 

Then I thought – Fuck It.  So what if people can see into me more quickly?  It’s all out there.  It won’t change who I am or what I’ll say or do.  Maybe it makes things easier.  Maybe it weeds out the Don’t-Wants even faster. 

It’s who I already am in a whole new world of connection and communication. 

I’m still an introvert. 

Maybe you will understand a bit more of me in the process.

Take me or leave me – here I am!

I like to be a good corporate citizen.  I like to think I can help others in small ways.  Or big ways.  Depending on where you consider donating blood to land.  I began my donations back in high school.  Where at the tender age of 16, I could get my parent’s consent to give a pint and get a cookie.  Continued through college. 

Moved to Seattle and life changes a bit.  Regular, rotating schedules of tattoos and piercings made me ineligible to donate blood.  No worries, I know the blood banks need it.  But I’m not holding off on adding art to my body in the name of blood donation.  I picked it up again after I finished nursing A.  Whenever the blood mobile came to my office, I was there.  Hey – they still give out cookies!

It must have been 2 1/2 years ago now, I got a rather small tattoo on my ankle.  Completely forgetting about the restriction, I went in to donate and was turned away.  I’ll tell ya – It’s a different kind of shame to walk out of the blood mobile with a yellow slip of paper in hand.  I continued to get asks and rallies and Come On Down – We’ll Be in Your Parking Lot Tomorrow!  Each time, I sent a sweet message reminding them that I cannot give blood and please remove me from your list until 1/1/2009.

So last summer when I began the large piece on my back, I knew the drill.  No donations.  The requests continued to come in, once a month, an ask to donate.  Repeatedly asking they remove me from the list. Repeatedly  asking I’m off the list until 1/1/2011.  The last request I got, before today, I was more than irked.  I sent a strongly worded message, no more Ms. Nice Girl.  I received a very apologetic email assuring me my record was updated in all the right places and they were choosing to delay my donations until 12/31/2011.

So guess, dear reader, what fucking showed up in my email box today?! 

You know, it’s not that the volume is too high, once a month does not even register in my email volume.  However…the fact that I have to go through this dance every month?  I am now Ms Not So Nice mode.  I wanted to say something really rude like, if you email me again and I’ll call the office and be permanently removed from the database.  Expletive, bitchy, condescending kind of words.  Instead, I chose to tone it down, yet with a thread of superiority to remove my fucking name from the fucking list!

However, let it be known, if they email me one more fucking time – ALL BETS ARE OFF!

Today, Microsoft announced more layoffs – (per MSNBC Microsoft moves forward on plan to ax 5,000).  Although the title of that article seems pretty harsh in these times when so many are impacted by the economy.  It was a pretty rough day at the office.  Personally, I didn’t know until 2pm that my job was intact.  I saw many co-workers and friends impacted today. 

I’ll keep moving forward, thankful, grateful, relieved that I have a job tomorrow and the day after and even next week.

It certainly puts things in perspective.

Now – to work on my list

I have started numerous posts in the last few weeks.  And deleted them.  Gotten weirded out about what I was saying, perhaps too private.  Just finished Heather Armstrong’s new book.  Quickly reset my dials – duh – it’s my blog.  So let’s go…

Four weeks ago, I went heavily drugged (Xanax) into my Gyno’s office and had my tubes tied.  Technically, a new procedure called Essure.  At my post-op I was informed that during the procedure I told the doctors/nurses my pain was at a 7.  Out of 10.  To me, that doesn’t seem high.  But they were all shocked at since I was on relaxants and had 5 locals before they started.  OK – girls – if you have ever had your uterus/tubes manipulated – it hurts like…jeez I cannot even find some witty way to describe the immense, blinding, debilitating pain that ensues.  My dear friend brought me home, tucked me into bed, left 4 trashy magazines and let herself out.  I slept most of the day.  Hobbled around the next day and a-half.  Had unrealistic expectations of how much it would knock me on my ass.  Granted, my Gyno told me many of her former patients went to work after the procedure.  Yeah right!

So – here I sit.  Gotta wait for 3 months for the tubes to scar over.  Then get an HSG (another uterus manipulation event that I’m not looking forward to) and it’s done.  No more babies.  No more hormones.  One less drug on my list of daily events.

I don’t regret it for a minute.

I used to think I wanted 2 kids.  After a year of trying, acupuncture, doctors, tests and fertility exercises, I realized I didn’t want another.  Sure, it would be great for A to have a sibling.  Someone to grow with, then rely on as an adult.  At the same time, how was I going to live with another child?  I daily feel the balance between work, home and sanity to be a tentative exercise.  At that time in our lives, I felt I was finally getting the rhythm down, felt some sense of regularity.  It was a very hard decision.  A Very Hard decision.

I’ve always been the type to have certainty when I make a decision.  Sure, it could take weeks, months, eons…for me to get there.  But once that decision is made – no holding me back.  Went back to my Gyno, got on the pill and told her I’d take a year to think about it.  All the while knowing a year later I’d be sitting in the same office asking for the permanent solution. 

I love my child dearly.  Parenting is as much rewarding as it is challenging, learning and growing. 

My point?  I don’t regret it for one minute. 

Not one.

Watching How I Met Your Mother and they are talking about being too old to do certain things.  Like – beer bong…raves…sleeping on futons…piercing body parts…  So I’m thinking, what am I too old for?

I think this is why I’ve had some hesitancy and reservation with my new ink (pictures coming after the touch up in a few weeks).  Am I too old for this?  The few people that have had a sneak peak to my back, has absolutely loved the piece.  Ok, ok…I know I can’t adequately see my own back.  And why my artist insisted Norman take a picture so I can study it from the perspective it’s meant to be viewed.  To give that kind of critical eye to discuss the last few changes, if any.

I digress. If I let go of that, those persistent tapes of what I should be doing in my life.  Well then, fuck it I’m finishing up a kick ass tattoo.  So suck on that!

Off to finish reading Heather Armstrong’s new book.  Going to see her tomorrow night for a reading.  I have to say, I think it’s a good thing that another woman has come out to share her story of post partum depression.  It’s real.  I don’t understand how people can discount it, say moms need to take vitamins or are faking it…god damn it parenting is the hardest thing.  E-V-E-R!!  There are not any words to describe to parentless-adults (children?) how incredibly hard it is to be a parent.  It’s so overwhelming. 

Regardless of what people think of Heather’s writing style, or the lead up to the breakdown – it is one more story, maybe one less mom feels so alone.  Maybe even more.  Isn’t that worth it?

Next Page »

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.