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May 14, 2009

Sanity Hacks of (fill in the blank) Mom

Posted by jenniferlg under children, family, feminist thoughts, mental health, parenting, think about this, work
[2] Comments 

First and foremost – my friend Jen did a presentation at Ignite Seattle!  She deserves credit for the inspiration of this post.  Particularly since she did all the work anyway!

The last time Jen and I got together we had a chat about the Stay At Home Mom versus Employed Career Mom… 

sidebar – what the hell do you call mom’s that work at companies that pay them salaries and give benefits and such for their work?  because SAHMs – they *are* working moms too, so it doesn’t quite feel right to label myself that. and by no means do I imply a SAHM isn’t employed or have a career.  let’s not rat hole here shall we?

Our discussion was around this unspoken/spoken/ignored/acknowledged divide between the two types of moms.  Particularly seen in the Mommy Blog space.  Seems each camp has some beef with the other.  Making judgments about not being a good mom, setting the wrong example for the children, blah blah blah.  Gawd almighty!!  Do women need yet another category to create a chasm between us?  Can’t we support each other in choice?  Believe you and me – I could not do what SAHMs do. I totally respect women that raise their families in that fashion. 

So I watched the video the day it was published.  I really enjoyed Jen’s approach and her thoughts on sanity hacks.  I thought about it through the day, how particular passages were not only funny, but SO freaking true!  Example – I have seen Finding Nemo so many times, there have been entire screenings that I only watched one character the entire time.  Boy those Pixar people are masters at their craft!

The next day I had a different thought.

I could take that same deck, change up the pictures, replace one or two words – and do the presentation from the Employed Career Mom point-of-view. Really, each thing Jen focuses on to stay sane, I do the same thing to some degree.  The story would just be a bit modified.

Can we stop fighting against each other and start fighting together?

Maybe then – we can unite and get some REAL food in the school lunches.  Not the pre-packaged crap they serve now.  Maybe we could pool resources and networks and make the PTA unstoppable.  We should all show up at Olympia (or your respective capitals) and demand the kinds of laws, programs and initiatives that will protect our families, enrich our lives – and not have to battle for every 4 years or every budget shortfall.  (don’t get me started – school budget is another post all together!)

So really girls – we aren’t all that different are we?  Just stop and think about it ok?

 

April 9, 2009

Working Moms – Stay At Home Moms

Posted by jenniferlg under children, parenting, work
1 Comment 

I watched Oprah’s show on Moms this evening.  Most of it made me laugh.  Hearing the stories, the true confessions of moms…makes me feel a little less alone.  And that was the point of the show.

Towards the end there was some discussion about the Working Mom, the Single Mom and the Stay At Home Mom.  One person shared her view that it’s a war between them.  A friendly war, a self-imposed war…yet a war. 

This is so core to the tapes of inadequacy running through my head.  One of my best friends, our daughters are in the same class.  She’s a SAHM.  I’m not.  We’ve talked a few times about the differences, the challenges, the pains and successes. 

Recently, the Kindergarten Moms have been having monthly coffee time after a drop off.  Those of us working outside the home might or might not be there.  I desperately want to be at one.  I want to know these women better.  Their kids and my kid will be in school together for many years to come.  The last two gatherings have been on mornings I’ve had a recurring meeting that I just could not miss.  Guilt tapes play…

So I was talking with my friend about this, how I so badly wanted to come.  I don’t remember how, we got on the topic of things I do she finds as creative, great mom things.  Like “Orange Lunch Day”.  The truth – I was packing A’s lunch one day, and was actually disturbed that everything in the pack was orange – mac & cheese, carrots, orange and nilla wafers (OK, not orange, but up against the others my mind just said orange).  So to turn it around, I wrote A a note “Happy Orange Lunch Day A!” with smileys and hearts she would love.  The feedback?  Seems Orange Lunch was a hit with a few of the kids.  Another mom had to come up with “Green Lunch Day” for her son, resorting to food coloring.  Wow.  N-e-v-e-r saw that coming. 

It made my day.

So, I go forward working to silence the tapes and trust more.  Believe more.  Engage with that secret Mom Community for strength and reassurance.

 

March 10, 2009

A’s meme

Posted by jenniferlg under children, family
[2] Comments 

My friend sn0tty sent me a link to an interview of her little man. And asked if I would interview my little girl.  This is funny in places, it probably didn’t help that I was doing this 10 minutes before bedtime when she is all riled up and ready for the negotiations to begin…

What’s something Mommy always says?
A – Dang it!
Me – (oh great!) Anything else?
A – Please.  and Help Me.

What makes Daddy happy?
Buster (the cat).  And his girls

What is something Mommy does that makes you laugh?
When you ask me about laughing (bursts into hysterics)

How old is Daddy?
(answers question, I’ll spare the public answer)

How old is Mommy?
um…um…36?
(wrong, but I’ll take it!)

And how much does Mommy weigh?
A – I don’t know!
Me – if you weigh 44 pounds, how much do you think I weigh?
A – 100 pounds
Me – Really?!

If Mommy became famous, what will it be for?
Washing the dishes
?!?!?!

If Daddy became famous, what will it be for?
Dressing up so nice
(she’s got a point there)

What is Daddy really good at?
Cooking

What is Mommy’s favorite food?
Chocolate!

How are you and Daddy the same?
We pet Buster the most

What is Mommy not very good at?
A – (without hesitation, almost before I finish the question) Cooking.
Me – anything else?
A – Cleaning Buster’s litter box

What do you think Daddy was like at your age?
A – Um, I have to go think in my room. 
(she runs down the stairs, hushed whispers with Daddy, running back up the stairs)
A – Pretty much like me now, but read books all the time.

What was Mommy like at your age?
I think you liked to sing like me

What cities were we born in?
A – I don’t know, I was born here
Me – Where’s here?
A – Where’s that place? It starts with a vowel, I think Oregon?  I can’t remember what it’s called.
Me – Kirkland, you were born in Kirkland.
A – huh.
Me - At Evergreen Hospital
A – Oh yeah!  That place.

What is Mommy’s favorite thing to do?
A – Bake
Me – Anything else?
A – Talk to me

What does Mommy do for her job?
A – I need to think in my room again
(pitter patter down the stairs, laughter, returning…I hear her chanting as if repeating…bursts into room)
A – Project Management!

What kind of job does Daddy do?
Marketing
(she asked him directly what he did, since he’s now in the room with us)

How do you know your Mommy loves you?
Cause I always give you kisses! (MWAH!) Because I gave you a kiss right now.

Where is Mommy’s favorite place to go?
A – Sears
(I only go to Sears for major appliances or vaccum cleaners)
A – you know, that chocolate place, you know, Sears
Me – oh, you mean See’s? 
A – Yes, and Starbucks
(another funny since I don’t like Starbucks coffee and make my own cappuccinos at home)

How tall is Daddy?
A – I don’t know!
Me – If you are 3 1/2 feet, how much would you guess Daddy is?
A – 100
Me – Feet? 
A – no, just 100

What is Daddy not good at?
Baking.  And cleaning Buster’s litter box
(poor cat)

What kind of cartoon characters would we be?
Daddy is the Prince, you are the Queen and I’m the Princess
(yet another little girl that wants to marry her daddy..awwww)

Do you know how much I love you?
100 million zillion million 100 zillion!
…yep…she’s got that right!

 

February 25, 2009

free to be you and me

Posted by jenniferlg under children, feminist thoughts, reads
[2] Comments 

OK kids of the 70′s, who was raised with this book in regular rotation?  I remember reading this with my mom, my dad, other family members…listening to the record for Boy Meets Girl.  I still have my original copy, and it’s so loved!  I’m almost afraid to open it up so it doesn’t disintegrate.

So I was overjoyed when I saw a 35th Anniversary edition.  I bought it for me.  Or so I thought.  I read it cover to cover.  The art has been updated, modernized.  Which probably makes sense for the 5-yr-old in the other room.  Or maybe not…  Anyway.  It sat on my floor in the “book pile” for about 3 weeks before A noticed it.  I read her Boy Meets Girl and Ladies First!  She loved them.  It’s in regular rotation now.  The updated version has a CD, but only 4 of the songs/stories.  So I dug out the 70′s version on CD I got many years ago in anticipation of children.  I haven’t given it to A yet.  I listened to it in the car today on my (frustrating) drive to work.  Such…great…memories…

Sesame Street still a child favorite…the Electric Company back on TV…Free to Be You and Me…it’s great to see my childhood favorites back in rotation for all those great lessons like tolerance, love, diversity.  I just hope A continues to like them, and has the same appreciation 30 years from now.

 

February 10, 2009

inquisitive

Posted by jenniferlg under children, mental health
[2] Comments 

A has reentered the ask-a-question-about-everything-and-drive-mom-nuts phase.  Here are a few of my favorite from the last few days…

  1. (in reference to why people have names) … who invented letters to make up names?
  2. (see previous) … why is Olivia such a popular name?
  3. When are you having book club at our house again? I want to be with those women.
    kid – book club is mommy’s secret place with “peace & quiet” juice and you aren’t invited
  4. (in reference to me not going to shul with her and daddy) … Mommy, why don’t you believe in anything?
    Know where I went with this? Gay marriage. Yep, explained the concept of the Catholic Church being anti-gay/anti-gay marriage in 5 yr-old terms. She found this totally rational and acceptable.  So there!
  5. Why did the kid poop in the pool?  Why can’t I swim in that pool?  Will they ever open the pool again? Because I don’t like the other pool, it’s too deep
    kid – you are in lessons to deal with deep pools!
  6. Why do I have to take a short shower? I want a long shower (whine whine whine)
    To her, a long shower is 20 minutes – she used less water taking a bath
  7. (in reference to me not getting her something at Target) … Why can’t I buy anything today?
    because you spent all your money last week at the Hello Kitty store
    I know, but now it’s today and I want to buy something, I need money now!
    Join the club kid.
  8. When Papa John is here, can I… (fill in the blank with any possible action she wants to trick my father into)
  9. When is quiet time over?  Is quiet time over yet?  Can I come downstairs?
    Now…where is my “peace & quiet” juice…
 

January 23, 2009

Order & Disorder

Posted by jenniferlg under children, family, mental health
1 Comment 

I just spent 15 minutes straightening up the bedrooms.  In A’s room I changed her sheets, stuffies aligned, clothes in proper places, etc.  When I walked out and looked in her bathroom, the sigh.  Bath towel on the floor, stuff strewn across the counter, total mess.

OK – I admit it.  I’m a control freak, OCD, things belong in their place kinda person.  I’m not ashamed of it.  If anything, I’m working to turn the dial down so my family doesn’t think I’ll completely loose my head if things aren’t Just So.  A few months ago I decided if A wants her room to be in consistent disarray, I’m OK with that.  It’s her space, her place to show her uniqueness and control in her own way.  Yes, every few weeks I do a sweep and bring out a garbage bag full of teeny tiny pieces of paper, markers that have dried out, old water bottles (no milk thankfully).  She doesn’t mind that.  She often thanks me for straightening up because I made her room look so beautiful.  Side note – it’s also an effective way to remove old toys and clothes for the charity pile.

I digress.  What I’m wondering – will she always be like this?  Will wet towels pile up on her apartment floor until laundry day?  Will there be weekly (daily?) dashes through piles of crap to find a key or a bill or a wallet?  How do I get her to understand why it is important to put toys away?  That I’m not torturing her?  I’ve seen her do it, without complaint, at school when asked by a teacher.  Or at a neighbor’s house during a play date.  So why do I get the full-on dramatic hissy fit about how it’s so terrible and worst day of her life?  Oh get over yourself child!

Trying to think of what my room looked like as a kid, I don’t remember anything before our first house in Jersey.  I kinda remember our place in Ohio, but only the bed.  In Jersey I had lots of space and books and toys and whatever.  I don’t remember it being as messy or disorderly as my daughter.  But maybe it was.  I’ll have to ask my mom about that one.

So – for now – I just hope that I can instill in her the importance and sanity of order, without creating some psychosis we’ll be paying for later.

 

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